Agony Aunt: “My husband’s bath towel always stinks!”

A selection of blue and white towels
Towels.

When you share a bathroom with someone, you’ll quickly notice that human beings tend to stink a little bit. Especially human males.

This is particularly the case with the notorious male bathroom towel.

It may fester with mould and stink up the place a notch, causing much familial distress. Thankfully, we’re here to help.

Dealing With a Man’s Stinky Bath Towel

Hello agony aunt. My husband, John, is 51 years old and I still can't understand why his bathroom towel smells so bad. Always!

He goes through 51 towels a year. All of them, without fail, stink really bad in a very short space of time and I don't get this at all. 

Budget wise, this is costing the family £765 a year. In towels! Just for him. We could use that money for a holiday!

I've asked him how he manages to do it, but he seems to take pride in the stench. This was really infuriating! 

So I set up a CCTV camera in the bathroom to film him "drying off". it quickly became clear why it smells so bad, because he generally uses it for all of this "cleaning" activities relating to the toilet, bath, and post-shower. 

Watching a grown man use his towel like that... I was quite nauseous afterwards. It also explains his funny smell, too, which I put down to him just being an old codger (all 50+ men smell mildly of something).

I confronted him with the video evidence and called out his disgusting behaviour. He was furious! He's already filed for divorce and accused me of being a "psycho bitch!" What is going on? He's the gross one! 

He's since moved out and is now living with our son, Rupert, who is also refusing to speak to me because of what I've done. 

Meanwhile my daugther, Maggy, sent me a very rude text message accusing me of being a spy. She actually wrote, "Are you Russian or something? My whole world view is shattered I didn't realise I'd been living a lie! How could you do this!? What happened to you!?"

Unfortunately, due to this kerfuffle, I also forgot about the camera and left it running. So when some guests visited and started using the toilet, one of them spotted he was being filmed and rang the police. 

I tried to explain away the reasons for it, but I'm now under investigation from the authorities for illegal voyeurism and perversion. 

All of this... because of towels. There has to be a way out of this, surely? Can you help? Yours sincerely, Gemma

Hi, Gemma. Bad news, I’m afraid, you’re going to have to pay for your crimes with this one. We can’t condone any of your actions.

As such, we’ve also had to report your email to the FBI for further monitoring.

You stated in your email you live in Leicester. Well, the FBI deal with US matters mainly but they’ve agreed this is severe enough to warrant considerable investigation.

And, really, the towel thing… have you heard of a dishwasher? Just stick it in there and clean the bloody thing. What’s the problem?

You also shouldn’t have married a man so lacking in cleanliness procedures.

This one is entirely on you. During your extended stay in prison, make sure to mull over your actions so you return to society in good working order.

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