Whistle while you work? Not a good idea under The Whistling While Your Work Act 1974, which outright bans the practice—on pain of death.

As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your employees are well aware of their legal responsibility to NOT whistle while they work.

This feature will take you through the many bureaucratic black holes regarding this matter, ensuring your business can come out of the other side free from the sound of whistling.

The Law Regarding Whistling at Work

The Whistling While Your Work Act 1974 is a brutal and uncompromising piece of legislation. Despite its psychotic nature, employers typically worship the Act as it violently enforces a cessation on whistling.

On page 12,312 of 33,451, in section 143 (a), it states:

“As previously indicated in chapters 12, 14, 15, 34, 64, 75, and 84, whistling at work is an abomination. It is banned across all zones of your business.

Employers must place anti-whistling signs in and around your premises to ensure no employee indulges in the practice.

If they subsequently break your rules, punish them mercilessly. Drag them out into a social area (i.e. the workplace canteen) and denounce them before all their colleagues. You can then kick their teeth in and give them a pay cut.”

The Act remains controversial, most notably in the section regarding the removal of teeth from employees to end whistling at work once and for all. It states:

“Guidelines from leading medical doctors is to ensure employees do not have any teeth in their mouth. This will ensure whistling is difficult, nay impossible, to accomplish. As such, no one will whistle while they work.

In due course, the Act advises employers to remove all the teeth from your employees’ faces to ensure there is no more whistling. Do so through any means necessary.”

The brutality of the Act has led to many detractors detracting said Act.

Some believe it to be inhumane. These individuals, however, are noted leftists and have been dismissed as part of the “woke mob”.

Banning Whistles at Work

Should you decide to smash all your employees’ teeth in, with hammers and stuff, then you must remain wary of a terrifying product known as the whistle.

These implements are capable of creating an even louder, piercing, high-pitched whistle than most human beings can. Whistles are legal. And they are in commonplace use amongst:

• Referees at sporting events (except Formula 1, where they’re viewed as redundant).
• Lifeguards wanting to ensure no kids splash older people with water.
• Sheep dog whistles for those farmer types (see the 1995 film Babe for reference).

Other than referees, lifeguards, and sheep dogs, there’s no real need for anyone to own a whistle. And they must be banned across your business.

If anyone is found to have a whistle in their possession, you should seize the whistle and take it out into the parking lot. There you should detonate it with some on-site Semtex.

This is the law under The Whistling While Your Work Act 1974.

Failure to carry out these steps will result in your business premises being detonated with Semtex by the local government for failure to comply with the aforementioned rules.

As such, it’s in your business interests to ensure you comply with the law.

Case Study: How Whistling Destroyed One Business

For the detractors, the belief is whistling is an innocuous practice that can result in no dire consequences. These delusional morons have never read a case study such as the fate that befell Bob’s Bonkers Building Business Ltd.

It’s a tragic tale. In 1984, Bob had the best building business in the town of Rochdale, Lancashire. Everyone wanted to use Bob to build things. As his business expanded, he hired more staff members to help build things.

All the while, he maintained a relaxed attitude towards whistling at work. Indeed, one of his employees (later handed a life sentence in jail for crimes against humanity) noted:

“His policy very much were, ‘Whistle while you work.’ And we loved it…I… I loved it… [sobs uncontrollably from within his jail cell].”

With 20 employees and a lax whistling policy that severely breached every rule within The Whistling While Your Work Act 1974, Bob’s business empire days were numbered.

Rochdale locals soon began noting whistling was overwhelming the neighbourhood. Wherever Bob’s Bonkers Building Business Ltd. went, the whistling was so bad tinnitus was induced on one and all.

Complaints were made by the public. The police got involved. Then the British Army. Then the British government. Finally, the FBI stepped in with the UN.

It’s unknown what happened to Bob. It’s believed his head was impaled on a spike outside the Houses of Parliament to stand as a deterrent, although these claims were unsubstantiated.

But the tale is a cautionary one for any business. If you relax your whistling policy, you will lose everything.

Alternatives to Whistling

To note, you can encourage your employees to indulge in behaviours that keep them busy (i.e. not whistling). These include:

• Breakdancing.
• Fidgeting.
• Clapping at work.
• Gossiping.
• Drumming their fingers on their desks.

All of these are fine and dandy. No bother. Encourage all of the above, especially the spreading of malicious rumours.

These’ll keep your workforce on its toes, as toxicity is one of the great hallmarks of a successful modern business. Whereas WHISTLING will be the end of it all.