Star Trek is like Star Wars, just with more trekking (and fewer wars). Both have been moderately popular over the years.
The consequence of the aforementioned moderate popularity? Quotes! Quotes galore, dear reader! Whilst Star Wars has chucked gems at us like “You’re gonna need a bigger boat“, Star Trek has landed the behemoth that is…
To boldly go where no man has gone before
There it is in all it’s glory! Iconic, or what? Even if you’ve never seen an episode of this show you’ll know that line.
But whilst Star Trek was primarily about a group of ’90s friends living in New York city, some episodes were more space-based.
Irrespective of these insights, what we’re here today to consider is… what if William Shatner had decided to ad lib his famous line?
To boldly go where no woman has gone before
We’ve just put this one in to annoy those people who constantly whine about feminism. Also, we like the idea of Captain Kirk and his crew dressing up in drag whilst touring space. Why the hell not?
To baldly go where no man has gone before
Bit of shoutout to balding gentlemen (such as ourselves) here. Whilst William Shatner may not be bald, if he can baldly go somewhere then so too can bald men of the world!
To bloody well go where no man has gone before
Just a bit of pointless profanity here. Why not? There isn’t much swearing in Star Trek, so we figured we’d address that in a quintessentially British kind of way.
To coldly go where no man has gone before
Coldly because, you know, space is cold. Not that we’ve ever been there, but various astronauts have confirmed it. And we trust their judgement!
To boldly go where no donkey has gone hee-haw
Just to shake things up a bit there. But why not? Why wouldn’t a donkey go into space? Are you trying to say you can prove a species of alien donkeys doesn’t have access to Universe travelling spaceships right at this very instant!?
To boldly go we’re no man has gone before
Just in cause Captain Kirk was a bit inept with his grammar, maybe he screwed it up once or twice in his log?
To boldly go where Norman has gone before
Who’s Norman and why was he boldly going places that we now want to go to? That’s what Star Trek should have been all about—unravelling the mysteries of Norman.
To boldly go where Norma has gone before
But then again… who was this Norma and why did she want to boldly go to places where we now want to go?! The Universe is a mysterious place…
To boldly grow where no man has gone before
Back to the hair issue again. And by “grow” we’re referring to nose hair. Few men dare to grow it out. But in space, no one can hear people scream… so why not give it a whirl when you’re free from such consequences?
To manifoldly go where no man has gone before
Well, indeed. Manifold is as manifold does. A bit like space, really!
To boldly go where no flan has gone before
Can’t beat a good flan! And you can’t beat a space travelling flan on a derring-do mission to travel the expanses of the Universe! That’s a show we’d watch, for sure, and with custard on top of that.
To boldly go where no suntan has gone before
If you’re one of those people obsessed about not being pale, we’ve got bad news for you… in space, everyone is pale. No suntans for you!
As such, a trip into the deepest reaches of space with your suntan will set many suntan-based records with every astronomical unit ascertained.
To boldly go where no scam has gone before
If you’re a scammer, then you’re really missing out on the untapped potential of the cosmos. Think about it—all those aliens! All of them unconditioned to marketing scams and other con-artist antics.
We suggest you boldly take your scamming concepts out into the Universe and make a fortune on alien sludge and space lasers etc.
To boldly go where no milkman has gone before
Star Trek really should have just been about a milkman delivery company delivering fresh milk to many and varied planets. We’d pay to watch that.
To boldly go where no pension plan has gone before
Similarly, for pension pot peddlers… why not take your pension schemes into space? Aliens needs them too, you know?
To boldly go where no moving van has gone before
Captain Kirk… professional space moving van company. Helping aliens move from Jupiter to Io in but the blink of an eye.
To boldly go where no abominable snowman has gone before
Yep. Plenty of snowy/icy planets for abominable snowmen to inhabit across the Universe. Don’t see why they’d have to hang out specifically on Earth.
To boldly go where ice cream van has gone before
Just imagine eating an ice cream on Jupiter. All that lovely sugary goodness alongside all that pulverising radiation badness. Bliss!
To boldly go where no man has gone to snore
Indeed. Even the depths of space shan’t be free from the monotonous snoring of human males. Surely, the goal of mankind is to infiltrate the darkest regions of the Universe… and annoy everyone with relentless snoring? We believe this to be true.