Previously on agony aunt, we’ve covered the perils of a human female calling her husband “hubby”. And now it’s time to look at the inverse of this natural phenomenon.

To whit, what occurs when a human male calls his significant other “wifey”.

Such a cataclysmic event can have many outcomes—not least immediate divorce. But for the human females who stick with their hubbies regardless… what does the future hold?

Wifey of the Century

Hi mate! So I've got this problem. Wifey has this issue with me calling her "wifey"... stupid, I know, but that's chicks for you. She's like, "Gerald... I've asked you to stop calling me that!" I don't see what the bloody problem is! So I just keep calling her it. Then she kicks off again. Then I try to stop calling her it, remember for a bit, forget, then start calling her wifey again and she gets really freaked about it. I've said to her, "You call me hubby if you like!" And she goes, "No, I'll call you GERALD, because that's your name!"

I'm looking at this like two ways:

1 - She's mad at me because she's a woman and women are always mad about stuff.
2 - She's mad because we're not actually married.

Yeah, I know she wants me to propose. But I'm just not feeling it, you know? She's not wife material. Blonde. I don't want to marry a blonde, I'm a brunette kinda guy. But yeah, I've been calling her "wifey" in the hope it'll calm her desire to be married to me and to keep her from pestering me about things until I find a brunette with "wife material" stamped all over her in red ink.

Until then, I'll keep this whole charade up. But what I'm NOT having happening is that BLONDE telling me to not call her "wifey" and threaten my FREEDOM OF SPEECH. So... how do I ensure I'm not censored by this feminist commie? Cheers, Gerald

Hi there, Gerald. This is a delicate situation and one you’ve handled like a drunken walrus rampaging into a noodle shop to ask out a giraffe.

As we’ve covered before in pet names for relationships, one must approach these with a sense of wit—not a sense of antagonistic dickheadery. As such, we feel the only course of action for you here is to go and sit in the naughty corner and think through your actions until you see sense.

Because you have been naughty, Gerald.

Some would say our suggestion is a little too “weak” to cover off your actions. But we argue in favour of our patented Naughty Corner Technique (NCT) as:

• It instils shame on the incumbent naughty corner observer.
• The period of reflection allows them to think of better pet names.
• NCTs typically emerge from the experience wanting to avoid the NCT experience again (as it drags on for a fair few hours—the mandatory NCT time is at least 30 minutes).

Your course of action, Gerald, is to choose a naughty corner in your home. Sit there (for at least half an hour) and mull over your disgusting behaviour.

In all probability, maybe you’ll emerge from the experience a more affectionate and tolerable human being, as opposed to the inconsiderate and jocular bellend you currently are.