Agony Aunt: “I was the WORST MAN at my mate’s wedding!”

The Worst Man at a wedding, throwing up near the happy couple

Sometimes you need a robot for a best man at a wedding. Other times you’re left stuck with no one, so you end up with the worst man.

The job of this individual is to make the groom look super amazing. Thus, the worst man must go forth and behave like a total dickhead. As today’s victim demonstrates.

Being the Worst Man at a Wedding

All right? So I thought I'd write this for other men out there so if they find themselves in this situation they can read this and go, "Wow. This man is a legend. A pioneer. He has saved my bacon. I'm not gay or anything but I must admit some sort of attraction to this guy's alpha male qualities. Phwoar... I'm going to stalk him on social media."

Yeah, that's because I was the WORST MAN at my mate's wedding.

Not the Best Man. That went to his mate Eric.

Nothing against Eric. He's a good guy with a heart of gold and he did a mint job at the wedding. Got everything bang on. His big problem? Me. Got to say I overshadowed him because I took my Worst Man duties dead goddamn serious, me. I did some research into lad culture from the '90s and got prepped for the big day itself. This is what I did:

1. Got totally wasted the night before the wedding, hitting the town big time in my wedding day suit to ramp up the general stench and odour about me

2. Woke up hungover to all hell, vomit stains on my suit, and arrived to the wedding an hour late mid-ceremony while the bride and groom were doing the whole vows thing

3. Refused to apologise about being late and told other guests to "Fuck off!" when they gave me glares and stuff

4. Puked and dry-heaved continuously

5. Let one rip when the bride and groom did the whole "You may kiss the bride thing" and I then shouted "GET 'EM OFF!" and made other leering remarks about the bride being "dead fit" and how she shouldn't be marrying that "ugly bastard"

6. Started drinking a few bevvies I'd carried in with me, a pack of four ultra-strength beer

7. For the Bridal Party Car when they left the church, I shoved the husband out of the way and insisted on getting in the car with the groom. The car then set off when I threatened to get violent if it didn't, after that I made inane convo with the bride about how dead fit she is and if she's considering divorce from her new husband

8. Arriving at the after ceremony do for food and cocktails, I ripped my trousers off and insisted on going about in me underpants. Skid marks and all! I have no shame

9. The wedding guests and bride and groom post for an evening sunset photo, ruined by me vomiting in the background and then trying to punch the photographer in her face. This is "assault" or some crap and the police were called because my behaviour was "getting out of hand"

10. With a limited time window before the cops arrived, it meant I had to think fast. A Worst Man has got to think fast. So we were on these lush garden grounds for the do and I spied a shed the janitor keeps. In I goes to that. Sure enough there's some rat poison there! I grabs the tub and hurtle over to the massive buffet spread on the go and start chucking the rat poison all over it while cackling like a bloody madman. The guests went nuts about that, yelling at me to stop and how I'd "ruined" the wedding and all with me telling them to "Fuck off!" and kicking me legs at anyone who came near. Then the cops arrived. I threw rat poison at them and the bastards tasered me to the ground, where I lay juddering. Then I fouled meself

Later, me mate (the groom) visited in the prison cell and thanked me for being an excellent Worst Man. "I couldn't have asked for a better worst man, mate, it were amazing..." he said with tears welling up in his eyes. 

I choked on a few sobs and muttered, "No problem, mate. Anytime."

Bit awkward cos it were getting homoerotic there, but we shuffled through that awkwardly and all that. Apparently, I'll be let out of jail in a few months so looking forward to that. Will I be a Worst Man again? You bet, I did a fantastic job here but there's still ways to refine the whole schedule. Not getting arrested probably being #1. A true genius Worst Man won't end the day in a cell.

Cheers, Natan

Hi there, Nathan. Whilst we can’t condone anything you did that fateful day, it does sound like an excellent Worst Man strategy. We can also recommend:

  • Wielding a revving chainsaw at guests
  • Openly injecting heroin
  • Arriving with a bout of bubonic plague
  • Detonating a nuclear bomb
  • Sneezing all over everybody constantly

Best of luck with your future Worst Man endeavours.


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