Weddings are great. All that free food and drink for guests to consume whilst the happily married couple mull over whether they’ve just destroyed their lives.

But for the Best Man, it’s a tough old time of it. From ensuring no one pukes over the bride’s dress to ensuring he, himself, doesn’t get wasted.

That’s why today’s marriage victim decided to use a robot (see Naggotron 1.0 for further AI agony aunting) to manage affairs at his wedding. We have some thoughts on the matter.

When Your Best Man is a Robot

Hi there agony aunt.

I'm Kevin. 25. Just shacked up with the girl of my dreams, but the marriage is already off to a rocky start. Why? No, no! I'm performing in bed, don't you dare insinuate otherwise or I'll sue!

The problem was the wedding itself. I'll explain.

My best mate, Dave, is great and all. But he cracked under the pressure of being a best man. The day before the wedding, he had a mental breakdown and fled the country. We haven't heard from him since. This left me with no choice but to hire a quick replacement in the form of Best Man Robot 1.0, who costs £100 per hour.

He turned up on the morning of the wedding and, to my relief, was functioning perfectly well. He was pretty intimidating, standing at seven feet in height, being solid metallic grey, and maintaining the type of steely gaze you'd expect of a maniacal serial killer. Still, this was my only option for a best man and Best Man Robot 1.0 had to do.

I introduced myself with a friendly handshake. It jerked forward, gripped my hand with the force of 1,000 bodybuilders, and buzzed, "NICE TO MEET YOU CUSTOMER THIRTY TWO!" I screamed in agony and the robot buzzed, "WHAT IS THE MATTER, CUSTOMER THIRTY TWO?" I asked it to not shake anyone else's hand at the wedding and it buzzed and announced, "HANDSHAKE MODE CANCELLED!"

I realised there were at least a dozen bones in my hand broken, but there was no cancelling the wedding now! I yanked some gloves on to hide my shattered hand from view and we set off.

It was difficult getting the thing to the church for the wedding because it could barely fit in the car. When we arrived, several guests thought the Best Man Robot 1.0 was The Terminator there to kill everyone. There was a minor panic, but I calmed everyone down by explaining the robot was my best man. My uncle said, "Where the bloody 'ell is Dave?" I explained the situation and he was most understanding, "Always knew he were a snowflake, wokey lefty!" he grunted.

Anyway, the wedding started and as the wife (Caroline) came down the aisle for the first time with the music playing, well she clocked onto Best Man Robot 1.0 and was clearly quite heavily disturbed. She actually began quaking a bit, but I put that down to nerves. Meanwhile, I could feel blood pooling up in the glove with my shattered hand and I was sweating heavily. I tried to put on my best comforting smile, but it's difficult when you're standing next to the annihilating, imposing force that is Best Man Robot 1.0.

Caroline got up to the front with me, gave me a funny look, then the vicar started the usual bullshit. We did our vows and that. Then it came time for the ring thing. 

Unfortunately, Best Man Robot 1.0 malfunctioned when the vicar asked, "Do you have the ring?" There was this long silence and then my best man started this strange buzzing noise, started belching out fumes and sparks, and shrilly buzzed, "DOES NOT COMPUTE!" At this point, Best Man Robot 1.0 went on what can only be called a psychotic rampage.

The robot seized hold of the vicar and ripped him in two. The guests screamed in horror while Best Man Robot 1.0 brandished the two parts of the vicar in the air while emitting this loud buzzing noise. It then buzzed, "HANDSHAKE MODE RENABLED!" That's when the trouble really started.

I found out later from the manufacturers that if you ask Best Man Robot 1.0 to cancel handshake mode it infuriates the robot because that's one of its primary functions. Cancel it and it'll seethe inwardly for a few hours. Some of the models have this burning sense of indignation that leads to an explosive outburst.

That's what happened with my Best Man Robot 1.0. The thing went on a handshaking frenzy, violently insisting on shaking everyone's hand at the wedding with the outraged force of 1,500 body builders. All told, some 237 guests had their hands shattered in the incident, which the hospital told me led to around 2,355 broken bones.

There are many legal actions taking place now and my wife cancelled the honeymoon. Best Man Robot 1.0 was returned to the company and they've promised me to update its programming so this never happens again.

There's talk of me going to prison. I'm scared. Suggestions?

Yours, Kevin

Hello there, Kevin. Hah hah! This is somewhat ironic, as some women believe their husband to be a robot. No you yourself have HIRED a best man robot.

Somewhat ironic anyway, Kevin, but the reality is you’ve done a very bad thing here. You’re going to prison. May God have mercy on your soul.