Agony Aunt: “My husband’s gross skidmark dilemma”

The male underpants skidmark dilemma

When you think about it, human males are the most grotesque things. All the manly BO stench and other stuff like not using drinks coasters. Depraved.

But then there’s the big behemoth of them all…

Underpants and skidmarks. As horrifying a concept as this, it needs to be addressed in mature fashion during today’s agony aunt.

Men and the Skidmark: The Battle of the Millenias

Dear agony aunt. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! My no good layabout of a husband has been taking the piss with this over the last few years.

He's pretty much abandoned doing his own washing, forcing this on me and it means MUGGINS HERE has to deal with his bloody underpants.

Not bloody in the sense there's blood on them, it's far worse than that. Christ, I sure want to make that bastard bleed sometimes because of this! 

No. It's LIGHTLY SOILED underpants. The dreaded skidmark(s).

He seems proud of this, that's the weird thing.

Like it's a male badge of honour.

"5 years' service gunking up my underpants"

I've broached this topic with him and he gets this little smirk on his face and says nothing and boy does it make me want to SMASH his stupid face in! But violence is a sin. I'm not going before God when I die to have Him say, "You're not coming into Heaven, Janet, because you punched your husband to death over the minor quibble of soiled underpants."

And off to Hell I got because of my husband's Y-fronts.

No, I've got bigger plans than that. I want to be in Heaven and chat to Elvis, that's my goal. So, I need a better plan.

And I think I've figured it out - thongs. If my husband wears a thong, this issue will go away. Right? Yours, Janet

Hi there, Janet. A brief overview of the history of underpants will show to you this issue has occurred for thousands of years.

Do you think geniuses like Leonardo da Vinci had spotless underwear? No chance. And even he couldn’t solve this most pressing of martial cleanliness issues.

However, don’t worry about God as we’re sure He stains his underpants as well.

The solution is actually much more simple—swarfega.

It’s a gelatinous, thixotropic, heavy-duty cleaner. And it’s enough to strip the iron off a solid block of iron. Two options with it:

  1. Use it on your husband’s underpants.
  2. Use it on your husband’s butt.

We suppose #2 would amount to grievous bodily harm and all that. So maybe just use it on the underpants.

The downside to that approach is you’ll have to keep buying new underpants, as the substance tends to dissolve anything it comes close to.

On the plus side, this’ll limit your interaction with skidmarks.

Best of luck with your quandary, Janet, and additional good luck for when you get to the Pearly Gates and have to deal with the Bearded One’s underwear questions.

You don’t get into Heaven if you’ve got a longstanding record of unhygienic undergarments.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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