The allure of scented candles is undeniable.

That’s why here at Onion Smells Scented Candles (🕯️🧅) we’ve procured the finest stenching onion smells to proliferate your home with the volatile and reactive sulphur compounds from within a beautiful swollen, edible, and pungent bulb vegetable.

Nothing quite screams “RELAXATION!” quite like the graceful sent of pulchritudinous raw onions wafting across your home. Order now in bulk or candle-by-candle.

Scented Onion Candles: Where Relaxation Comes Third

Our superb range of scented onion candles come in distinct stenches of onion:

• Red
• Yellow
• Green
• Spring
• Sweet
• White
• Shallots
• Leeks (yes, these are onions)
• Walla walla sweet

We also have a range of torpedo onion candle that includes a COMPLETELY FREE torpedo of your choice (so long as it’s the Dm2a3 heavyweight torpedo—that’s the only type we have).

Just imagine how relaxing it’d be to sit there in your living room breathing in the funky miasma from your walla walla sweet onion scented candle.

Then you lean across and detonate your Dm2a3 heavyweight torpedo, which blasts merrily through the roof of your ceiling (leaving a vast trail of vertical destruction and debris in its rocketing wake) thus allowing that grotesque onion smell to vacate your property.

It’s the best of both worlds (scented candles and ultra-dangerous underwater missiles).

Each candle is handcrafted by an enormously underpaid employee skilled in craft candles and being enormously underpaid.

We charge £1,150 per candle. Or you can get a pack of three for £6,000!

While that may seem insanely expensive, remember we’re giving away military torpedoes here COMPLETELY FREE! Those things sure cost a few million bob or two.

Now THAT is eye-watering!

Notes on Eye-Watering Reactions to Scented Onion Candles

Our customers should be aware the reeking stench of raw onions from our candles may induce floods of tears from you (and others in the room).

This is perfectly natural and nothing to shit a brick about.

Instead, we encourage our customers to embrace the teary wailing and use it as an opportunity to offload some of your pent up bitterness and/or stresses onto those around you. Such as tearfully venting about how:

• Your Instagram feed isn’t getting many followers.
• You can’t get tickets to see your favourite band (BOZone).
• The onion scented candles aren’t as nice as the smell of frying onions.*
• The ending to James Cameron’s Titanic (1997) is ALWAYS such a TEAR-JERKER!

It’s also worth bringing these candles to the attention of psychopaths or anyone labouring under a narcissistic personality disorder. To help you convincingly manipulate people with enforced, unnatural emotions you can use our candles to have you in floods of tears as and when you need them.

As the famous saying goes:

“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened.”

That is unless you detonate the COMPLETELY FREE torpedo supplied with the torpedo onion candle, incinerating your home and everyone in it.

Happy candle burning, onion enthusiasts!

*Do note, if you feel this way then we’ll send our security guard (Harold) around to push you about a bit and GENUINELY make you a bit weepy. You have been warned.