Welcome to The Komodo Dragon Café! It’s where you’re welcome to most cautiously sip at a hot beverage while you’re stalked by various 10ft long lizards.

You’ll just love it here! Our staff all have that enforced disingenuous grin we’ve demanded they adopt at all working hours, because it’s not good customer service unless they’re grinning inanely.

Oh yes, and don’t forget about the giant lizards! It’s our gimmick. It’s the WOW factor that gets you into our café (because they don’t do THIS at Starbucks)!

The Komodo Dragon Café: Where Tea is Served With Terror

In the Komodo Dragon Café there are 10 Komodo dragons aimlessly lolling about and/or chomping down on whatever they take interest in.

Don’t ask how we got them here (because it wasn’t strictly legal under various international laws), but while you gawp at their terrifying stature you can also:

• Drink coffee
• Drink tea
• Consume cucumber sandwiches
• Consume cake
• Try not to get chomped down on by uncontrollable giant lizards with the strength of 10 grown men

And if that wasn’t relaxing enough, the café is run by an uptight lunatic of a boss with all the charm and charisma of a drunken football hooligan.

He doesn’t do any work, but he is stupid enough to post a particularly huge Komodo dragon called Kevin in charge during working hours. That’s despite Kevin having precisely zero experience in the hospitality sector and having zero knowledge of:

• Employee management
• Customer satisfaction
• Timely timekeeping skills
• Profit and the basics of economics

In fact, Kevin is more prone to sniffing at stuff he encounters, lapping at them with his disturbing lizard tongue, screeching like Godzilla, and chomping down on stuff with his merciless jaws.

As such, many customers are too terrified to attend The Komodo Dragon Café.

But if you’re NOT a whiny, precious, snowflake, woke softy then come on down to enjoy a cup of tea while Kevin attempts to munch down on your leg and drag you off to his lair.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are answers to some FAQs our customers have about The Komodo Dragon Café.

Why do you have Komodo dragons in the café?!?

*Sigh* … we explained this earlier! It’s a GIMMICK, you stupid consumerist dunce! It’s the WOW factor to get you into our building and spending money.

Are the Komodo dragons dangerous?

Yeah, most of the time. Now stop being such a sissy and order some drinks! Time is money, you pathetic patron!

Seriously, why Komodo dragons? Why not cute and defenceless fluffy bunny rabbits, or something?

Total hypocrisy! “Defenceless” (!!!) fluffy bunny rabbits!? What absolute nonsense! Read Watership Down, you philistine, and unearth the disturbing truth about the, supposedly, innocuous bunny.

Why, compared to a bunny rabbit the Komodo dragon is as sweet and innocent as an adorkable hamster stuffing its cheeks with organic pumpkin seeds.

At the very least can’t you keep the monstrous beasts in a cage!?

You disgusting anti-environmentalist, animal hating git!

The Komodo dragons keep lapping at my tea and ruining it! Can I get my money back? The one called Larry also ate my carrot cake!

There will be no refunds. If you have an issue with one of these enormous powerful lizards that can swallow antelope whole, take the matter up with them.