Some families have a film night. This allows them to sit around the TV and have a bit of a nice time of it enjoying some fine acting.

However, setting up a film night is tough going! With so many things that can go wrong (such as nuclear explosions, scurvy, sprained ankles etc.) it’s important to make sure you get the magic formula right.

As with today’s patient, film night has resulted in many catastrophes. But we’re on hand to ensure those catastrophes turn into cantaloupes (or something else that makes sense).

When Film Night Turns Into a Cataclysmic Event

Hi there agony aunt,

It started off innocently enough. “Let’s have a film night!” I said to the wife and five kids. They were all for it! The positive thrill of getting to watch Bambi, Lion King, and other classics together felt like an opportunity that couldn’t possibly be wasted.

Being the man of the house, I decided to choose the first film for our first film night. I’m a dominant, alpha male like that. So I choose The Exorcist because it’s one of my favourite films and I figured by 5-10 year olds were old enough to take it in and learn something about the world.

Needless to say, those pathetic snowflakes were in hysterics within half an hour and by the end of the film they were clearly all traumatised. “GOOD!” I yelled at them as they blubbed like big babies, “This’ll put hairs on your chest, you feminist commies!”

The wife chastised me that night saying I was being “unrealistic” and to choose a more appropriate film for children for the following week’s film night. I did just that with the 1978 classic Watership Down, although this AGAIN resulted in those precious snowflakes wailing in hysterics. “IT’S JUST SOME BUNNY RABBITS GETTING SHREDDED TO BITS!” I roared at that bit when the dog shreds the bunny rabbits to bit at the end of the film.

The wife had a go about that, too.

So… the NEXT week my wife chose the film and she went with bloody Titanic that big girl’s blouse of a film with that prat Leonardo DiCaprio and that woman Kate Winslet and, Christ, they’re on a bloody boat and then it hits a bloody iceberg like who even can’t just drive around a goddamn iceberg?

We were watching the closing bits of the film and my family was enraptured. “Who the hell did I marry and, subsequently, spawn!?” I blurted out loud. The wife tutted and tapped my arm to hush me.

That tap had serious consequences.

I reeled back in agony, concerned her nails might leave a bruise on the rippling muscles of my bicep. But I knocked my many glass of brandy off the sofa and it smashed onto the ground and over a plug socket. WHOOSH! The place went up in flames and roared at my wife that that was her fault and everyone had to rush outside in the cold and continue watching the film from the front garden.

Muggins here had to call the fire brigade and the flames were put out, although the damage to the living is so bad film night has now been moved into the upstairs spare room.

That was last night. After the Titanic disaster, I insisted I choose the film again and I went with the superb choice of Deliverance and then the STUPID family was wailing again and I had to evacuate everyone on to the roof so as to avoid a further fire incident.

In the end, I just sat there ALONE in the spare room and watched the film myself.

When it was over I let the family back into the house. But the wife now isn’t speaking to me and the kids want to play the banjo because of Deliverance. I told them the banjo is for girls and my youngest daughter said, “I am a girl, daddy.”

She’s been grounded for that. “Don’t talk back to elders, young lady!” I said.

Sheesh.

Any tips on this, fella? These snowflakes are cramping my style!

Cheers, Gary

Hi there, Gary. For the love of God, just shut up will you? And stop choosing such stupid films! Show some tact and let your kids pick.

Also, stop expressing your toxic masculinity by pretending you hate James Cameron’s Titanic. Everyone knows men secretly love it. You’re not fooling anyone!