The world of online dating apps interests us. We find it all very superficial and bizarre, swiping people based purely on their looks.

“EWWW! He has a wonky nose!” or “Urgh! She’s got short hair!” and all that. But blokes online tend to offer the worst of it.

And that’s what one is exploring today in another irreverent short story.

Dave Wants to Date: A Modern Love Story

Synopsis: Dave is a hapless 20 something trying to bag a date. He signs up to a dating app, fills out his profile, and awaits the babes. But then it just doesn’t happen… Dave gets annoyed.

Cast:

• Dave
• Dave’s mates

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Dave was 21 and full of the joys of spring, even though it was the dead of winter. He was living with his parents and working at the local supermarket. Life was good, except for one thing. One vital missing clog in his otherwise exceptionally well running life.

“Mate, you need to get a bird!” Said his mates Dan, Johnny, Craig, John, Frank, and Si. All of them. From one day to the next, they chipped away at Dave’s psyche and made him feel like a failure of a man.

“Shit!” He thought, “I need to get a bird!”

His friends were all in relationships! Dave was the ugly duckling of the lot. Taking pity on their pathetic wastrel of a friend, Dan, Johnny, Craig, John, Frank, and Si told Dave to sign-up to a dating app.

“Mate!” Dan ranted, “It’s mint! They throw themselves at you! Babes were DRIPPIN’ off me, mate, it’s easy. You just say shit like, ‘I own a car!’ and boom there you go.”

Dave was jealous, but inspired.

THE PROFILE

That night, after stacking the supermarket shelves for 12 hours with a new sense of purpose, Dave joined the hottest dating app around. Although concerned about writing his profile description, he steeled himself and gave it his best shot under the sincere belief honesty was the best policy.

All right birds im Dave. Not sure what to right hear guess im fun loving guy who likes getting pissed and hanging out with me mates playing fifa. Like football and play 5 a side with the mates but dunno what else to sey. I got a pretty big package if that helps.

Got a weird rash on me back right now having it checked by doctor. Also got some real bad gas at the moment letting rip with some proper guffers just warning in advance like.

Anyway I don’t want a penpal so give me ur no babe or add me on snap

Thrilled with his description, Dave then uploaded two pictures. One of him wearing a hoody. The other with his top off in his bathroom, a selfie of him straining his muscles hard to impress with his scrawny bod.

With his profile perfected, Dave began drinking beer and started swiping.

“Fit, fit, fit… fit, fit enough, fit, fit, fit, not fit, not fit… that’s a man, like what’s he doin’ ‘ere?! No thanks! Fit, fit, quite fit, fit…”

The hours ticked by and after swiping through several hundred ladies, Dave stopped so he could play some FIFA. He was happy after bombarding the women with 100s of “hi how r u” messages. That will show them of his commitment to them, he knew it.

He continued drinking beer and waited for the top totty to swarm over his profile, for he was an eligible bachelor of smooth, suave, and sophisticated conduct.

THE FIRST RESPONDER

hi

First message! Bit short, but the woman who sent it was FIT! Probably the best looking woman he’d seen in his life! “She must be a model, I’d better pull off me best moves here, Dave, my son!”

how r u

He waited for her to respond. 10 minutes later.

fine

Huh. Bit arrogant and lazy with the responses. “I’ll try again with one of me best lines!” he thought.

we’re u from

Waiting another 10 minutes.

bolton

Dave tutted. This woman wasn’t putting any effort into her conversation and he wasn’t having any of this anymore! He restrained himself, as gentlemen do, and was polite about it.

god ur full of convo ain’t u 😂😂

Another 10 minutes of waiting! This was NOT acceptable! But she was 10/10 and obviously a model so Dave stuck at the waiting game. “I’ll get her number next!” he said to himself.

can you send me $500 i need to travel to sea you 4 mariage it is the only way send me the money and we will marry 4eva

Shit! This was moving fast! Dave wasn’t sure if he was ready to settle down into married life just yet… but, she was fit. So, maybe he’d better just leap straight into this one. Imagine the look on the faces of Dan, Johnny, Craig, John, Frank, and Si! They wouldn’t take the piss with her on his arm! Dave played it smooth with his next move.

wots u name bbe? give me ur number bbe

And then this.

i am in love with u send me $500 for travel we will get maried same day

Dave was perplexed. He knew he was a great catch, but most women don’t just want to marry you after five minutes. And he didn’t even have $500 to send her anyway. Getting aggravated, he tried a new tactic.

send me ur no bbe

Once again, the most beautiful women he’d ever seen asked for $500.

ffs i dont have 500 quid u stupid woman

The woman asked for $300 instead in exchange for her number. Dave was getting angry now and bashed away at his phone typing out a lengthy message. Probably the longest message he’d ever, ever sent online! This was his magnum opus.

bbe wtf u keap askin 4 money like ffs 😂😂 i dont have 300 why u want my money bbe we not even MET YET 😂😂😂😂 n send me ur no n wots ur name bbe u is so fit i like the pic we’re u r on the beach in the bikini 😘 give me ur no bbe n send me mr pics 😘😘

After the amount was lowered to $150, Dave succumbed to the attractive lady’s charms and whisked the money her way via his mobile wallet.

He had been saving that money to buy a car, but that’ll have to wait. He knew that. What was more important was preparing the wedding ceremony for whatever this woman was called.

Then he remembered the line Dan had taught him. Steeling himself, he landed it with pitch-perfect typing and he was proud of his flirting.

Babe if you we’re a fruit you’d be a fineapple

There was no response. Dave become despondent—Despondent Dave. And in this despondence he found a fit of despair he’d never experienced before in his short life, the type that left a pang in his gut as if he’d been out getting messy on the town with the lads and the next day he was feeling it with the hangover from hell but that’s nothing a greasy fry up won’t solve though.

It was 48 hours until the lovestruck dater received his response.

honey please send me $700 i need the money 2 come 2 bolton 2 c u and we can c the 2 off us in 2 the mariage send more now my darling

Dave was pissed (in the angry sense, as opposed to being drunk). MORE money!? WTF?? He got straight on top of the response like the man he was.

bbe wtf i already send u money and u gone FOR DAYS 🤪🤪 n u still not give me ur name or no wtf ffs bbe 🤪🤪🤪😂😂 im saving that money 4 engaugemunt wring!!!!!! 😘😘

There was a 12-hour delay until the most beautiful women he’d ever seen responded.

send me $1000 4 mariage n then we meat 2morrow

Dave HAD HAD ENOUGH! “This woman is TOTALLY doin’ me ‘ead in!” he shouted loudly in his bedroom. In a rage he blocked her profile and threw his phone across the room, but not so aggressively as it’d break, more so it’d flop onto his bed for dramatic effect. Which it did, making Dave feel better about himself because he was in control.

Dave’s Post-Dating Drinking Binge

Dave went out on the town that weekend and told Dan, Johnny, Craig, John, Frank, and Si about his experience. They laughed in his face.

Laughed.

Dan and Johnny chattered some rubbish and Dave was left dumbfounded. He scratched his head and gulped his beer before saying, “What’s a romance scum? You callin’ me scum, you dickheads!?”

Dave took a swing at Dan and Johnny with his non-beer laden hand, but missed and whacked Craig on his shoulder. That missed punch descended into a full-blown brawl and Dave was left with a black eye, busted lip, and one broken front tooth. They were all kicked out of the pub and cautioned by the coppers.

The next day, Dave vowed never to date again.

One month later, he signed back up to the app.