Taking Alexandre Dumas’ classic The Count of Monte Cristo (1844) and turning it into a bargain bin autobiographical spin-off? Certainly one of the greatest crimes of literature!

But when there are discount to be had, you’d better be glad. Get it or regret it. Step right up! You’d be a FOOL to miss out etc.

The autobiography is set at the fortress Château d’If (one of the main settings in Dumas’ work) and follows the exploits of a hustling salesman as he tries to swindle inmates with dubious deals.

The Discounts of Monte Cristo as a Masterclass in Sales Hustle

This book launched in 2004 and was an early example of self-publishing ebooks that turned into gold. Its author Eddie Dennis (jailed in real life for various instances of embezzlement) is a swindling bastard kind of a guy.

Once in jail, he used his manipulative skills to pen a prison epic. And at some 2,345 pages The Discounts of Monte Cristo is quite the modern day business marvel.

After escaping from jail with a clever disguise (he inserted himself into a faulty mattress, which was dumped into a landfill) he wrote this book. And then published it online.

Within months it had sold 15 million copies in America, as sales types lapped it up in the name of getting jailbreak tips and rip-off merchant skills that work.

The Plot of Discounts of Monte Cristo

The true story is about Eddie Dennis (many literary critics found it apt the hustler’s real life name was similar to Edmond Dantès of the original), a salesman who was jailed on Château d’If for 335 years.

His crime!? The infuriating nature of his dubious sales hustle!

Dennis was notorious for all manner of antics, including embezzlement and Ponzi schemes. During which time he used many and varied annoying slogans:

• Limited time offer
• COMPLETELY FREE!!!
• Flash Sale!
• Discounts Galore!
• 50% Off!
• !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

99.9% of his discount claims were proven to be ambiguous and deliberately manipulated, resulting in his draconian prison sentence.

Once jailed in 2002, the rest of the narrative follows Dennis 14 months of incarceration routine, followed by his most daring escape (in the aforementioned mattress).

Dennis escaped authorities and went to live in Barbados a free man.

Although there are some claims the work has been wildly fabricated (for example, Dennis wasn’t jailed for 335 years, it was actually three years, nor was he jailed in Château d’If as he isn’t French and went to prison in Texas), Dennis denies the accusations.

He said in a 2005 interview with a black market magazine that’s since been obliterated off the face of the Earth.

“It’s all true! The discounts. The prison sentence. The Château d’If bit. My daring escape. THE DISCOUNTS AT CHEAP, CHEAP PRICES! You name it, it’s true.”

However, Dennis was forced to admit in a 2006 interview there may be some fabrications in his story.

“Okay, I didn’t go to Château d’If and some of the discounts weren’t as unbeatable as I initially made out. What you going to do about it?”

Dennis was jailed again in 2007 for various fraud charges. He’s still in jail for fraud, during which time he has written the sequel to The Discounts of Monte Cristo.

He’s called the new book The Shawshank Reductions Galore!!!

However, the book has been banned from launching due to the book’s content largely consisting of swear words and unrealistic discounts.

For example, readers are promised a 130% discount on the sale of the book, which would mean they’d be paid $350 to read the work—it’s believed this is simply another Ponzi scheme.

The Discounts of Monte Cristo as Sales Hustle Training

To this day, and as unexpectedly as the 1994 business sim video game Gazillionaire, the book has turned into a guide for modern day sales people.

The Discounts of Monte Cristo is a lifestyle. The book sales people worship as they attempt to hustle the bejeezus out of unsuspecting stupid people. It’s apparent the work is so beloved due to the sheer inventiveness of the discount concepts.

To reiterate, there are humdingers such as:

• Limited time offer
• COMPLETELY FREE!!!
• Flash Sale!
• Discounts Galore!
• 50% Off!
• !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But also there are showstoppers including:

• Get more for less
• Sale ending soon
• Biggest sale of the season
• This sale won’t last long
• SALES
• Sale now on
• Sale still on but not for much longer
• Sale ending in a short period of time (commencing from the moment you read this slogan)
• Sale ending in 35 minutes (depending on the time of day you read this, as the sale may now be already over—again, it depends when you’re reading this, so ask within for details on the sale and whether it’s still on or not, chances are you’ve missed it but be a have-a-go hero all the same)

Whilst to most people all this sales stuff will be vomit-inducing nonsense, to salespeople it’s mana from heaven.

The Discounts of Monte Cristo is On Sale!

Just as we published this review, it’s become apparent Dennis’ work is indeed on discount! And that is most ironic indeed.

You’ll be able to buy The Discounts of Monte Cristo from black market drug dealers and really tacky bookstores. It’s on offer for $1. GET IT WHILST STOCKS LAST!