Formed in 1995 at the peak of laddism culture, The Beer Bellies were a five-strong middle-aged man group with huge beer guts.

The group performed beer bellowing numbers designed to get geezers up onto the dance floor to headbang and mosh the hell out of numbers whilst their beer bellies swayed all over the bloody place.

After a series of top 20 UK hits, the group retired to appear in semi-lucrative TV ads for popular greasy food chains. But then reformed in 2022 for a one-off extravaganza to flaunt the extent of their ever-expanding beer bellies.

The Beer Bellies: A Rags to Riches Tales of Big Hairy Guts

The five members of the beer bellies are from Wigan, Lancashire, and used the stage names Bozzer, Gazzer, Mazza, Dazza, and Terry.

As the hunk of the group (as in, the biggest and most expansive beer gut amongst them), Bozzer took centre-stage as the lead songwriter and frontman. In an exclusive interview with Professional Moron, he told us in February 2024:

“[BeeeeeeEElch] Better out than in, eh!? Soz, where were we? Oh yeah, well, as the best lookin’ member of The Beer Bellies I got lead songwritin’ duties by default, like. So I had a few beers at t’ local boozer an’ penned what became our biggest hits. All thanks to me, Bozzer!”

The hits were of exceptional quality:

• Let’s Order Another Round
• Better Out Than In
• Girls Don’t Drink Beer
• Beer Forever
• Belching Britain
• The Ladies Love Laddism

The Beer Bellies went big when Better Out Than In peaked at 11 in the UK charts and became an anthem for beer swilling laddism culture of 1996, with half naked British geezers takings to the streets in the summer to drink beer and bellow the song’s catchy, catchy lyrics.

During our exclusive interview, Bozzer handed us the original beer-stained lyric sheet he penned in the early months of 1996. The songwriting is truly inspired:

When you just gotta down that beer,
It makes you feel a bit queer (not in a gay way, in a macho way),
Then you know you gotta burp,
So you have another slurp,
Because…

BETTER OUT THAN IN, BETTER OUT THAN IN, BETTER OUT THAN IN! (x3 on the chorus)

In total, some 13,456 noise complaints were raised with dozens of councils across the UK regarding the song.

As in the summer of 1996, especially over the weekend, all anyone could hear was geezers with beer bellies bellowing, “BETTER OUT THAN IN!” It was a most wonderful summer and we shan’t see days like them no more.

Continued Success and More Laddish Anthems

Buoyed by the success of their early hit singles, The Beer Bellies began experimenting with their music. Bozzer told us:

“We ain’t a one trick pony. You know? Mazza and Dazza got what with that what idea for mixing that there dance music what with our tunes. I says to meself, ‘Yeah!’ So we started doin’ bangin’ acid house tracks along wiv our old numbers.”

Their first dance album, Fella, launched in mid-1998 and stormed the UK album charts to number 15.

The lead single from the record, Stayin’ Fella, was a dance remix of Bee Gees classic Stayin’ Alive, just with samples of men belching and football chanting over the top of the music.

It reached 13 in the UK singles charts and got the group their first appearance on popular music show Top of The Mops. The group appeared singing Stayin’ Fella with their tops off, beer bellies flying around all over the place, whilst they consumed various cans of extra strength lager.

This appearance was widely criticised in the UK press for being “grotesque”. At the time, Bozzer told The Trundling Pebbles music magazine:

“It’s a sign of ‘ow political correctness ‘as GONE MAD when five lads can’t go on TV with their tops off. Our freedom of speech won’t be oppressed!”

One week later, in the autumn of 1998, Bozzer was hospitalised for kidney stones, gout, dandruff, and general lurgy.

Ignoring all the warning signs, Bozzer continued drinking 10 pints a night. Tragically, by 1999 his beer belly was so vast it hindered his on-stage performances. He retired in 2000 citing religious differences between group members as the reason.

The Beer Bellies soldiered on without Bozzer, but called it a day in 2001 for good when one gig in Blackpool was attended by only three people (two of whom were drunk and didn’t know why there were there).

The Beer Bellies Reformation as a Cautionary Tale of Not Doing Reformations

The Beer Bellies reformed in 2022 after Bozzer drank 11 pints one night instead of 10. He told us:

“That were a lightbulb moment.”

He then paused for a good minute whilst going red in the face and breathing heavily. He then added, firmly and with much conviction in his voice:

“Them bastards was never gonna keep me down!”

And by “bastards”, it turns out Bozzer was referring to society in general. He got the band back together and they staged their reunion show in Withy Grove Park of Bamber Bridge, Preston, which was attended by 331 diehard, beer gut sporeting geezers.

During the show, a topless Bozzer sporting an extra enormous beet gut, made various proclamations. Including:

• The Earth is flat
• NASA’s Moon landings were faked
• Elvis never died
• COVID-19 was a hoax

And many other conspiracy theories, including his personal philosophy beer should be the only liquid “mankind” drinks. He calls this belief system Beerism and his thesis, On Quantum Mechanics and Beer (2021), postulates how the Universe is a actually a Beeriverse.

Bozzer was ridiculed the world over and jailed for 335 years for crimes against humanity, thus ending The Beer Bellies reunion for all eternity.