Top of the Pops was a famous TV show here in the UK. It needs a reboot! But this time, we envisage Top of the Mops (🧹) as a celebration of everything great about mops.
In the show, presented by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Hollywood legend begins a countdown of the top 40 mops of that given week.
The riveting closing section of the show reveals the #1 mop! All whilst laser beams and Big Arnie’s mighty man muscles make the show far more entertaining than the premise ever could be.
Enjoy Total Boredom in Thick Loose Stringed on a Pole Sales Tally… it’s Top of the Mops!!
“It is number mop… it is Top of the Mops! EAUGH!!”
That’s what Schwarzenegger drawls out as the show begins (note, many Arnold Noises will accompany his presenting). Then that legendary riff from Bananarama kicks in for the show’s intro music.
And you know you’re in for a mop-based time of it.
The opening 10 minutes, of the allotted weekly half an hour, features a monologue from Schwarzenegger as he quips some of his famous one-liners. With the added twist of a mop-based theme. He’ll drop gems such as:
- “If it bleeds, we’ll have to mop it up so it doesn’t stain the carpet.”
- “I’ll be back. With a mop to clear all this blood and brain splatter up.”
- “Come with me if you want to live on clean, recently mopped floors.”
- “What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their mops!”
- “I hope you leave enough room for my mop, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!”
And etc. Once the audience gets bored of the relentless quips, there’s then an interpretative dance piece involving scantily clad, hairy, overweight male janitors prancing about with mops.
Anyone who hasn’t changed channel in disgust after that is then treated to the highlight of Top of the Mops—the top 40 countdown!
Schwarzenegger promptly begins the countdown at tremendous speed, all whilst becoming increasingly apoplectic about mop positions in the charts. For example, bellowing:
“EAUGH!! The Flash Speedmop (featuring twelve absorbing refills) is NO WAY a match for the Vileda SuperMocio Action XL mop and bucket set! This is rigged! I’m going to terminate you all!”
At which point the show’s heavies would descend on the 75-year-old Schwarzenegger with a cup of tea and a sandwich to calm him down.
After composing himself, Schwarzenegger would then reveal the #1 Mop of the Week! A thrilling moment—an eardrum bursting foghorn blasts, to the backdrop of glittering disco lights, and reveals the best selling mop in the UK.
The show then ends to the sound of Black Lace’s Agadoo, whilst Schwarzenegger either goes for a lie down or to consume quiche at the nearby buffet.
The End of Top of the Mops
The very first episode of Top of the Mops drew in 20 million viewers, all thrilled to believe the hit show of many decades was back on TV.
However, the channel noted a 97% drop off in viewers from the second episode.
And buy the third episode, only 321 mop enthusiasts were watching the show totally enthralled by it all.
The show was cancelled after four episodes, with Schwarzenegger ordered to go and resume his lucrative film career.
However, the damage to the mop industry was vast. Mops, once seen as boring and stupid, were now seen even more so as boring and stupid.
A new mop-based series was touted in the form of Breaking Mops, Game of Mops, and/or How I Met Your Mop. Fuddy-duddy studio execs rejected the mop in what is now seen as one of the greatest acts of prejudice in mop-based history.