One of the worst productivity blockers for any modern business is swarms of wasps besieging their office during working hours.

This invasion of insects can lead to disruption as snowflake employees run for cover. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure wasps do not swarm your business premises.

To manage this state of affairs, read this complete guide to wasps, swarms, business, and employees to micromanage the hell out of the situation to induce a toxic working environment.

Employment Laws Regarding Swarms of Wasps

There are various pieces of legalisation legislating over this matter. These are:

1. The Wasps at Work Act 1974
2. The Swarms of Wasps at Work Act 1974
3. The Insects at Work Act 1974
4. The Stinging Insects in Working Environment Act 1974

Four Acts, then, which were consolidated into The Insects at Work Act 2010. This Act sets out to defend the rights of insects (such as bees, wasps, and small flies such as mosquitos) in the workplace.

As insects now have considerable rights in working environments, it does make it more difficult for employers to deal with swarms of wasps at work.

As such, you’ll need various strategies to deal with wasps when they swarm your workplace. Such as how much to pay them, whether you can use insect spray, and the various regulations you must adhere to under the consolidated Act.

How to React When a Swarm of Wasps Besieges Your Office

Just remember—wasps are more remorseless than The Terminator (1984).

They don’t feel pity, remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop! Until you’ve been stung at least once.

As such, it’s good business practice to have a plan of action in action in the event of a swarm of wasps. This can include:

• Panicking insanely
• Running away
• Panicking insanely and running away
• Swinging fly swats about with wild abandon
• Collapsing sobbing on the floor and admitting defeat

Remember, wasps are merely defending themselves with the kind of brutal, hellish, animalistic urges we professionals abandoned long ago.

Although it’s akin to that panic you feel when you get to work and realise there’s no tea or coffee. The sheer mania of that moment—the horror.

That’s how wasps feel when swarming. So, don’t take it personally as they attempt to sting you (or your employees) to death. It’s just their natural urge.

Tactics for Dealing With Wasps at Work

As CEO, you may want to use your suave entrepreneurial brilliance to try and get the wasps to leave. You may try:

• Smooth talking the wasps into submission.
• Promising salary reviews (which you have no intention of keeping).
• Promising raises (which you have no intention of keeping).
• Promising promotions (which you have no intention of keeping).
• Sneering at the wasps that you’re rich and powerful.
• Accusing the wasps of being lazy.

You’ll find most of those tactics fail miserably. This is due to the insects being wasps and having no interest in inane human-based concepts of power and wealth.

Whilst that may shock you to your very core, rest assured you have the power and wealth to have your entire property fumigated.

You could also have your premises detonated with a huge batch of TNT, thus obliterating your business off the face of the Earth (and ending your wasp swarming problem).

Such is one of the challenges, and joys, of business ownership.

In the Aftermath of a Wasp Swarm: Dealing With the Casualties

Immediately after the swarm, you should get a VHS copy of The Swarm (1978), starring cockney geezer Michael Caine, and start playing it.

The dulcet tones of Michael Caine will be enough to soothe even the most severely injured of employees.

After the this (presuming the wasps have now gone), you should refer to the first aid pack. This’ll be somewhere in your business. Probably tucked away in a sneaky closet somewhere and gathering mould.

After the swarm (by which we’re not referring to The Swarm), you’ll likely have a dozen or so employees lounging around on the floor faking their injuries to skip work. They’ll make noises such as:

• “Urrrghh… it hurts!”
• “Tell my wife I love her!”
• “I don’t think I’m gonna make it!”
• “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!!!!!”
• “MY ANKLE! IT’S SWOLLEN TO THRICE ITS NORMAL SIZE!”
• “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

Block out the whining by sticking earphones in and listening to a bit of Just Like Honey by The Jesus and Mary Chain. This’ll put you in a great mood, even whilst your employees freeload and waste company time.

Get your janitor to apply some bandages and plasters to the wounded.

It doesn’t really matter whether they cover the sting areas or not. Frankly, your best bet is to administer brandy to one and all so they battle through it and work unpaid overtime.

If the groaning continues and starts getting on your nerves, turn the volume up on your TV to get The Swarm to drown out the aftermath of your swarm.

But if any of this is getting confusing, and you’re unsure which swarm is which (i.e. your swarm or The Swarm), take an early finish, give yourself a major pay rise for no reason, and buy a supercar.

You deserve it for saving the day! 👍