Agony Aunt: “How do you put a duvet cover on a duvet?”

A messy duvet with a dog's paws underneath the duvet cover
Every man’s worst nightmare. Doing the duvet and getting the dog out of bed first.

Some human males struggle with the most basic things. For example, ensuring no piddle gets on the toilet seat.

Others can’t comprehend how to wrap presents (if they can be bothered even getting any).

And then there are those who have no concept of how to put a duvet on a duvet cover. Such as today’s pathetic wastrel.

A Disastrous Procedure of Putting a Duvet Cover on a Duvet

Right so I've got a problem and it's only come about since the wife left me last month. She says she's sick of me "laddish" and "lazy" behaviour. I told her she needs to be less of a nagging Nancy! lol

Anyway, since then I've got no broad to put the duvet cover on me bed for me. And since she's been gone, since she's been gone, I'm out of my head can't take it. Whooah! I roar that in anger because getting a duvet cover on a duvet is like rocket science, I'm telling you. 

This is like the proper method I've got going on:

- I wash the duvet cover in the bath with a bar of soap and some shampoo
- I chuck it onto the floor to wait for it to dry (takes ages, like a week)
- Then I get the duvet and open the bottom flap of the duvet cover
- I crawl in clutching the duvet and inch my way up the duvet cover, yanking the duvet into each corner to try and match it up
- Usually I have a bit of a claustrophobic panic attack around that point and start thrashing about like crazy in terror
- I escape the duvet cover/duvet mess and see what I've managed to achieve
- Whether it's shite or good I chuck it onto the bed and breathe easy. Safe for another week.

Usually it looks like a heaving pile of crap, but it's the best method I've got together so far. Loads of mould grows on it and flies buzz around it and I think that might not be right. 

The duvet cover goddamn stinks as well I think I'm using too much soap to wash it. So I'll stop using that I reckons.

What do you think? Can you recommend anything else? This stuff is what women were made to do anyway, God separated Adam and Eve so Eve could do the dishes lol am I right? Cheers, Barry

Hi, Barry. Placing a duvet cover onto a duvet is one of the most complex and dangerous manoeuvres known to humankind.

You’ve been undertaking that insane endeavour minus any health and safety equipment?! More fool you!

To ensure your future safety, we provide below the proper guide to completing this common household chore.

Guide to Putting a Duvet Cover on a Duvet

Follow this process step by step, Barry, and you’ll live to see the end of the year.

Do note, it’s imperative to follow these instructions verbatim or you may end up shredding limb from limb. As follows:

  1. Invest in a bodyguard to protect your bedroom door as you begin the process.
  2. Dress in a full hazmat suit.
  3. Use a forklift truck to manoeuvre the duvet into a manageable position in your bedroom up in the air.
  4. Lift the duvet cover into the air and begin to insert over the duvet.
  5. Call out wildly to your bodyguard, who’ll rush into the room and drive the contraption forward.
  6. If this goes seamlessly, the duvet sheet will lodge over your duvet to 100% perfection (although allow for some margin of error).

Remember, if that operation goes wrong you may end up with a forklift truck prong jammed through your face.

So treat everything with the utmost seriousness! And you will sleep like you have never slept before, Barry. All the best.


  1. Maybe when the forklift impales you, (I’m assuming the advice you’ve given is how you change your duvet cover) then you will go to the hospital, and need a blood transfusion. Request Fly blood! Voila! You can fly…..maybe.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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