Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden (1911) remains a whimsical classic of British children’s literature. Right up there with similar classics such as Charlotte’s World Wide Web.

Few readers also know about the 2021 reworking called The Secret Beer Garden, written by a one Dave Anderson—a famed lager lout with a penchant for whimsical books for kids.

The book became famous for its “awful” and “tacky” front cover, bizarre calls for beer garden regulation changes, inconsistent tone of voice, overuse of the informal phrase “fella”, and various other patriotic British stuff. Tally, bally ho!

The Whimsy of The Secret Beer Garden’s Search for the Perfect Pub

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a beer garden, fella.”

And so does begin The Secret Beer Garden, which is about one man’s quest for the perfect pint in the perfect beer garden.

The main character, Dave Anderson (the author vehemently denies this character is based upon himself), begins with a drinking session in The Dog and Handgun pub of Bolton, Greater Manchester.

During this opening chapter, Mr. Anderson details what constitutes the perfect (as, again, perfection is a big part of this novel) beer garden. He states it must have:

• Some grass, but pebbles are also acceptable.
• Several giant wooden barrels scattered about for resting pints on.
• Room for a gentleman to stumble and fall, but emerge relatively unscathed, whilst in a drunken haze.
• “Busty women” pulling pints behind the bar with greetings of, “Y’aright, luv!?“
• An assortment of pies available on demand.
  • In fact, the menu should be packed out with comfort food such as bangers and mash.
  • No foreign muck!
• BRITISH BEER!
• A direct path from the bar to the beer garden, preferably unhindered by students and/or other students being annoying students.
• If possible, a scantily clad maiden should appear sporadically for burly, beer-drenched geezers to defend.
• No rain.

Sadly, the last point is difficult to achieve if you live in England as it rains 97% of the time here. This point is not lost on the author of The Secret Beer Garden, as noted on page four.

“The ideal beer garden will be free from rain. However, this creates a conundrum. For it rains oft in England. So oft, one would say it puts a DAMPENER on one’s spirit. Thus, the solution is to drink more beer. But where doth one find a beer garden free from rain, fella?”

As you can see, the writer shifts between posh English to informal colloquialisms with apparent ease. This does get jarring pretty fast.

Before we address that, there are some bigger fish to fry in this secretive beer garden…

The Rain Revolution

Hidden in The Secret Beer Garden is a secret political doctrine calling for the abolishment of rain in England. It’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but it’s on page 13 in a small paragraph.

“Most British patriots will agree rain is preposterous. As such, beer gardens across the land will benefit from global warming and the removal of rain from England so it is more like an arid dessert. Let us embrace this change, fella.”

Critics have pointed out the writer uses “dessert” over “desert”.

This was forwarded to Mr. Anderson. After a 48-hour silence, he claimed on his social media accounts this was a “deliberate” error to add some “much-needed British humour” back into society.

It’s unknown whether this is a bare-faced lie or not, but it’s presumed it is.

The Use of “Fella” in Literature

All in all, “fella” is used 1,457 times across The Secret Beer Garden, typically to close off a sentence, paragraph, or incomplete thought.

There’s no explanation for why this is used in favour of the posher “fellow”, so we must postulate it’s to give the work a more working-class friendly image.

Mr. Anderson was questioned about this on social media.

Following a 48-hour silence, he responded by accusing anyone asking this of being a “communist spy” and, therefore, an enemy of the state, whilst also threatening to sue them for defamation.

He’s dubbed his process of defamation “defellamation” in a pun that induced a wry chuckle from fellow patriots.

The Weird Obsession With Beer Gardens

Many critics also found The Secret Beer Garden to be “weird”.

The obsession with pubs, pints, and beer gardens gets “disturbing”, as described in a review on a book blog (the blogger wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being sued).

For example, one chapter describes Mr. Anderson trudging across 13 pubs in one very boozy Sunday pub crawl. After the seventh pub, he gets very angry he still hasn’t found the “perfect” beer garden yet and has an angry, childish temper tantrum about how British pubs aren’t run in the same way they used to be.

His bad mood is exacerbated once it begins raining upon leaving the eighth pub.

It’s at this point he starts blaming the failure of modern pubs on Marxism, opining that he “just wants his country back” and challenging anyone who disagrees with him to a fight. He soon indulges in a fight with a random chav and he’s knocked out.

This chapter has a highly autobiographical feel to it.

He was quizzed whether this genuinely happened. There was a 48-hour social media silence from Mr. Anderson, before he finally acknowledged the incident was true.

The Worst Book Ever Written About Beer

Since its publication, The Secret Beer Garden has gained a reputation for being a terrible book.

The wave of negative online reviews, and the furious retaliations of its author, led the work to the attention of the national press.

A further wave of 1/5 reviews further infuriated Dave Anderson further.

It’s believed he’s now in a 24/7 state of apoplectic rage regarding the negative reception of his self-proclaimed “masterpiece”.

Mr. Anderson has stated online his “revenge plan” is to complete a sequel, which he will call The Secret Beer Garden: Last Orders.

He’s stated this work will continue his pursuit of the perfect beer garden, just with the caveat he’s had boxing lessons since 2021 and is, “Eager to beat up anyone who gets in his way, fella!“