As the old saying goes, “Don’t mess with the classics, dickhead, or I’ll do you in!” Pity the fool who’d ignore such a psychotic threat in favour of reworking C. S. Lewis’ classic The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (1950).

But that’s what some feckin’ ejit went and did!!

Going by the pen name Barabbas Festoonerizer (we have no idea either), and launching in early 2024, here we have The Lion, the Witch, and the Disco Light Strobe. Is it a riveting read?! No. You should be dancing, yeah!

Boogie Galore in The Lion, the Witch, and the Disco Light Strobe

Never has a novel channelled the urge to go disco dancing as much as this.

A huge proportion of the narrative involves the Lion and the Witch going out on the town to jive it out in clubs and bars. The Bee Gees’ lyrics and songs pepper the prose like black pepper does a pasta dish (this simile was sponsored by Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals).

The plot goes like this:

• Not set in Narnia, instead set in Norwich.
• Four kids evacuated from ’70s London due to too much boogying.
• After encountering a talking disco light strobe called John, the kids are transported to a magical land called the CBGBs where they learn about the joys of disco music.

Readers are encourages to listen to classic disco tracks as they read. They should also dance like there’s no tomorrow.

Due to this, we couldn’t include any excerpts from the book. That’s because all that jiggling about whilst dancing made it impossible to read anything.

Despite that, we think this is an excellent book! 10/10. Mega. We lost five pounds in eight by the time we’d, in blurry and juddering fashion, reached the final full stop of the book.

Details Emerge About the Enigmatic Barabbas Festoonerizer

As it turns out, Festoonerizer is actually called Jeffrey Thomas and he’s a 69-year-old former bricklayer from Bolton of Greater Manchester.

After he was tracked down by fans, he revealed on his TikTok account the reason to write the book:

“The best days of me life were strutting me funky stuff in Seventies bars in Lancashire, breakdancing, and that were right up until I threw out a shoulderblade because I just bloody well booogied my funk too hard. Life’s never been the same since. This book is an arthritic release.”

We believe he meant cathartic release, as opposed to what he said in his video.

Happily, though, the enthusiasm for his work has led to a surge in sales. He’s now been funded to write a sequel to his work and intends to turn Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird into a disco dancing anthem of a work.

The Disco Frenzy Aftermath of The Lion, the Witch, and the Disco Light Strobe

After its release, the book immediately triggered a disco frenzy. Tens of thousands of fans flocked to disco halls with copies of the book to strut their stuff.

Terrified, the government issued a national emergency alert and locked down the state.

Outraged disco revellers responded by dancing long into the night, up until the government stepped up its actions and arrested anyone who didn’t stop disco dancing.

All told, some 145,000 people were arrested and jailed for life.

As there wasn’t enough room for that lot in prisons, a super prison was hastily constructed just off the A365 main road near Stalybridge.

It is said the inmates continue boogying to this day, all under the disdainful yet watchful eyes of the prison guards.

Disco: A Cautionary Tale

In light of everything this book is responsible for, Barabbas Festoonerizer is now working on a sequel. A work that’s a savage indictment of disco dancing and anyone who broke the law thanks to reading the previous work from the series.

Some suggest the book is written under duress, with the government threatening punishment should it maintain a pro-disco stance.

Festoonerizer told Professional Moron in an exclusive interview:

“I’m not at liberty to discuss the plot, mate, mainly cos I’ve had one shandies too many and I can’t bloody remember it. But it’s got summit to do with ballroom dancing, bingo, and mushy peas. It’ll be reet proper!”

We await this new work with much relish, our afro stylised perfectly and rainbow coloured disco jumpsuit at the ready.