Invention: Chainsaw Chopsticks For a Deliciously Dangerous Meal

Chainsaw Chopsticks
Rev it up!

For sure, chopsticks are the best way to eat food. That’s why we decided to go one better and invent an eating implement for all ages.

Because chopsticks are so gosh darned fiddly, aren’t they? You can’t get your ruddy fingers around the things any day of the week.

But with chainsaw chopsticks, you’ve got a hypermasculine alternative that’ll put hair on your eyebrows!

The Most Dangerous Chopsticks in the World

After you’ve read the joys of Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers, you may feel inclined to inject more chainsaws into your life.

If you’re a restaurant, you’ll want to liven up your tedious dining service. What looks better for your business?

  • Diners sitting quietly eating noodles/sushi with wood chopsticks, drearily reeling off mundane conversation as everyone is safe, secure, and utterly pathetic in their la-di-da little world of precautions?
  • Diners revving up chainsaw chopsticks AND SHOUTING OVER THE PELTING DIN TO MAKE PROPER CONVERSATION ABOUT LOUD STUFF THAT MATTERS WHILST EATING SUSHI LIKE A GODDAMN HERO!?

Exactly! You need chainsaw chopsticks. Or are you seriously trying to argue this type of thing isn’t what fine dining is all about?!

We can guarantee your restaurant will become the talk of the town the moment you ditch rubbish old chopsticks for cutting edge Husqvarna Prime K7000 Chain High Frequency Chainsaw.

Chainsaws are ideal for the removal of small and medium-sized trees and can easily cleave a grown man in two!

This makes slicing through sushi a doddle and noodles don’t stand a chance! Our chainsaw chopsticks have a thunderous, petrol-driven high chain speed and brutally smooth cutting.

And in the event a customer accidentally slips and drives the chainsaw chopsticks into a waiter’s chest, breaking a chain in the process, you can return the contraption to our premises for a COMPLETELY FREE replacement*.

You can also hire a replacement human being for your former employee!

*Disclaimer: At the cost of only £300. You must be able to prove the customer accidentally decapitated your employee. If it was premeditated murder, then no refund will be forthcoming. Furthermore, you will be reported to the local authorities to have the matter resolved in court. We are not liable to cover your legal fees.

How Chainsaw Chopsticks Work

Nothing says “family-friendly dining” quite like a restaurant packed out with guests wielding chainsaw chopsticks!

Upon serving food to your customers, they can grab hold of the contraption, fire up their chainsaw chopsticks, and get stuck in!

You’ll soon agree, there’s nothing quite like seeing a family of four screaming conversation whilst delicately manoeuvring fresh food into their faces with life-threatening blades mere inches from essential arteries.

Restaurant clogging up with the putrid stench of petrol fumes? No problem! Crack open a window or two to get all that smog out!

Guests drunkenly engaging in battle with the chainsaw chopsticks? Simply call local law enforcement and have them arrested!

Fuddy-duddy old timers saying they’d just like a fork and knife?! Chuck them out of your establishment and into the street! Their kind aren’t welcome here!

BEST OF ALL!? We’ve got an EXTRA SPECIAL deal for our first time customers! Simply enter the code DECAPITATION2021 at checkout for -1% off the asking price!

That’s right, you pay us +1% on top of the £300 cost. It’s the deal of the century!

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