It’s well known the human male knows more about the human female than she does. This is why the former regularly dispense with useful mansplaining.
Either that or they become reply guys, thusly ensuring the human female population is always rightfully corrected.
However, today’s human female is a maverick. She’s fighting back in the only way she knows how—by attacking human males. Can we help her anger management problems!?
How to Respond to: “You’d be prettier if you smiled”
Dear agony aunty. My name is Natasha and I'm 25 years old. During my time on Earth, I've had (and I know because I've counted) 736 men tell me, "You'd be prettier if you smiled." And that includes on the following occasions: - My dentist when he was wrenching a wisdom tooth from my numbed face (meaning I couldn't smile even if I wanted to). - During a mugging when three youths assaulted me. - When I tripped and fell in central London and sprained my ankle and I was in searing agony. - During hospital visits for my COVID jabs. - One occasion when I'd passed out drunk in the street and some guy told my friend, "She'd be prettier if she smiled." - During a frowning competition. - At a funeral. So yeah, many of them aren't really places where smiling would be normal. I mean, those youths were hitting me around the head with a tyre iron. And one of them, this acne-ridden fat one, says "You'd look prettier if you smiled." WTF?! And at that funeral. Everyone's there crying their eyes out and then vicar turns to me while I'm fighting back tears and he's all, "You'd look prettier if you smiled." I mean, I've had it with this. What's wrong with these people and wow do I stop guys from saying that?! It's driving me mad! Yours, Natasha
Hi Natasha. First, let us mansplain the purpose of smiling to you.
Smiling (or “grinning”) is the act of formulating the expression on your face into a manner in which human beings consider to be accommodating.
This requires some effort and is a considerable and complex physical requirement to accomplish, involving coordination and timing across every area of your face. You’ll need to:
- Upturn the sides of your mouth.
- Expose some teeth (this is optional, though).
- Maintain the upturned sides of your mouth for as long as necessary.
- Accompany your expression with a girlish giggle or chortle (this is know as laughing).
Remember, grimacing is the inverse of the above and can be accompanied by trying to punch someone in the face.
If guys keep saying “You’d be prettier if you smiled” to you, then consider physically assaulting them. However, do note that may lead to a period in jail.
Instead, we recommend you follow a course of plastic surgery to ensure you’re smiling 24/7 all year round.
The Perpetual Smile
Ultimately, Natasha, you’ll need to spend money on a medical procedure to solve all your problems. It’s really that simple.
Call up your nearest plastic surgeon and request to have a facelift, Botox, and your frowning corrected.
After the operation, when the swelling has gone down, you’ll have a permanent smile and/or smirk planted on your face!
Sure, some people will find that a little creepy. Others may presume you also have a narcissistic personality disorder and steer a million miles away from you.
So, you may have to accept the following:
- Old and new friends steering well clear of you.
- Family questioning your sanity.
- Relentless grinning at everyone in sight, facilitating unwanted small talk with strangers presuming you’re just really friendly.
- The inability to ever express your dissatisfaction ever again (unless you just do that by punching people).
But it’ll be totally worth it to get those dickhead guys off your back. All the best!