The day of April 12th 2024 marked the first official sunny day of spring, leading to hordes of angry, pallid British men taking to the streets to rip their tops off.

Many sunburns did follow, plus geezers saying it how it is over a pint of lukewarm beer.

An annual UK tradition, the geezers were eager to flaunt their beer guts as a warning to all that summer is ahead and we’d all better get used to the sight of them half naked in YOUR favourite supermarket.

British Geezers Rush to Get Their First Sunburn of the Year

At least 37,000 men took to the streets of the very Great Britain following the arrival of the first sunlight seen since October 15th 2023.

Beer sales instantly skyrocketed and women reported feeling instantly more repulsed by the male gender (the latter point may just be a coincidence). The geezers ripped their tops off and began milling around city and town centres looking angry.

Professional Moron interviewed one such human male. John Jones (53), from Bolton of Greater Manchester, told us this:

“If I wanna rip me bloody top off, I’ll rip me bloody top off! It’s my bloody country! Who the bloody ‘ell do you think you are, eh!?!”

We spoke with various other assembled topless geezers in the crowd, already showing signs of sunburn, and their feedback was curious variations on the above quote:

“I’ll rip me bloody top off if I bloody well want to, me! It’s my bloody country, me! Who the bloody ‘ell do you think you are, eh, me!?!”

Also:

“I’ll bloody well rip me bloody top off it’s my bloody country! Who the bloody ‘ell do you think you are, eh!?! Whole world’s gone t’ pot!”

And finally:

“Me, I’ll tip me bloody top off, me, and HEADBUTT anyone who gets in me way, me! Who the bloody ‘ell do you think you are!? It’s political correctness GONE MAD!”

Several assembled topless Brits then started randomly headbutting each other, as is the British way of things, and a small riot commenced.

Police arrived and attempted to intervene but, upon seeing it was moronic white male British geezers causing mayhem, they realised they’re upstanding good folk just doing it for the good of the nation. As such, no arrests were made.

The topless men later returned home once the sun went down, many screaming in agony and cursing as the effects of sunburn kicked in.

The UK government has responded to the issue with shrugged shoulders and subsequent silence, followed by yet another huge corruption and sleaze scandal emerging from a whistleblower.

The Beauty of the Sunburned British Body

Not everybody is repulsed by the sight of topless geezers out in public catching some rays thinking it’s Barbados. Some view it as a societal right—the greatest act of freedom there is—and every British male’s moral duty for his King and country.

Not just a societal right, but a masterly depiction of artistic glory.

Conservative painter, sculptor, and art theologian Jeeves Rupertson Money-Potts III today told The Toff Times:

“As one stands here with one’s top off being interviewed for The Toff Times, one must first indicate one owns many acres of land. With such affirmations confirmed, one must now note that the act, indeed, of removing one’s upper garments to reveal one’s torso (hairless or otherwise) is to freedom and societal graces what the monocle is to the Rolls Royce owner—mandatory.”

However, a counterpoint argument is provided by a woman we found outside the Professional Moron office. Pushed for time, we demanded to know her opinion on topless men in society during the warmer months of the year.

Susan Smith (46) of Rochdale, Lancashire, told us:

“So long as the man is really hot I don’t mind. However, it’s usually just those fat sacks of shite who look like crap, don’t realise it because of some bizarre intellectual failing, and we all have to suffer as a result. My husband does it. When I see him in Tesco during summer, dripping sweat from his sunburned torso and armpits into the veg aisle as he reaches for some onions, that’s when thoughts of divorce enter my mind.”

One thing is clear—this summer, there’ll be many a topless male strutting about with sunburn and BO stench thinking he’s Adonis. May God have mercy on our souls.

A History of British Men and Ripping Tops Off in the Sun

The earliest written record of a man ripping his top off in the sun dates to 1561 Bognor Regis, England, UK.

A man named Oliver Roose, believed to be a baker, was documented with removing his linen shirt, doublet, hose, and overrobe in the spring sunshine. Documents document that:

“He doth strutted in most arseward fashion, skelp of interlace and hafter of accuser. Divers women who were big with child did feel sick at the sight of him. Some were carried away; others note they would prefer to see a headsman at work.”

Upon finding out about the man’s obscene behaviour, the ruling monarch (Elizabeth I) ordered Oliver Roose be boiled alive without trial.

It is said, in legend, that Roose did not suffer greatly during, aforementioned, boiling due to being already sunburned following his topless antics. Thus, perhaps we have found the true reason for man’s need to rip his top off.