There is nothing more appalling in this world than when a WOMAN (i.e. human female) earns MORE than a man (i.e. human female). When this occurs it’s a clear sign the communists have won and traditional values of wanton bigotry are in decline. And that is disgraceful.

Today’s human male is here to opine over the matter. Thus, we have an agony aunt column of much despair, pathos, and yearning over how it was better in the good old days.

When a Woman Earns Too Much and it Upsets a Man

Dear agony aunt,

My name is Emasculated Eric for I have been EMASCULATED by my supposed “wife” and her career trajectory. She earns a lot more than I do. She earns £70,000 p/a and I earn a masculine £40,000 p/a. While I pretend this doesn’t affect me, secretly it’s been eating away at me inside to the point where I can now barely sleep, am in a state of constant paranoid anxiety, and I can no longer look at my wife in the eyes.

Nor can I speak to the kids. My three sons… what am I supposed to tell them? “Hi there, three sons, by the way mummy earns more than daddy because daddy is a LOSER!”? What sort of message would that send to them in a world blighted by high-earning women. Seriously, it makes me ill in the morning. I wake up, the wife attempts coitus, yet I have to rush to the bathroom and dry heave because I’m too busy wracked with anxiety over how some women earn more than men and… get this. SOME WOMEN RUN BUSINESSES. They get to ORDER men around…

What madness is this? It’s not a world I want my three sons brought up in.

So, I’ve taken the only logical route. Secretly, I’ve built an underground bunker 20ft beneath the family home using planks of wood for support beams and I’ve thrown some sleeping bags in there and some tinned food. I’ve called my plan The Manly Plan and it is, indeed, very manly. I’ve put porn mags in the secret bunker and everything. I’ve stored them safely for our future generations of manly men, for I feel within weeks of us taking to the secret bunker society will enter a nuclear faze as men revolt over the fact some women earn more and then everything will hit the fan.

But me and the sons? Safe underground with our tins of baked beans! It’s a foolproof plan and one that has no problems with it at all.

As for the wife… well, she’ll just have to EARN MORE than me while I’m not that, but I won’t let that eat away at me at all no sir I’m well above this situation if that STUPID WOMAN wants to EMASCULATE me any further she’s failed because in 10 years me and my three sons will return to the surface and start afresh in a society that always pays men more for everything.

That is a future I can get behind.

Yours,

Soon to Be No Longer Emasculated Eric and Just Eric

Hi there, you freak of nature. What in the name of ingrowing toenails is wrong with your brain? We’ve reported you to the police, army, FBI, and the Royal Family. Prince… sorry, King Charles is now on your case.

You know you’ve screwed up, laddie, when an overprivileged geezer with a posh British accent is on your case.

You’re not only embarrassment to your three sons! You’re an embarrassment to Jodie Foster and the 2002 film Panic Room. What were you thinking? This is what you’re supposed to build as a secret bunker!

You… dunce!