When an employee is late for work, that is an act of communism. As such, it’s your duty of care as an employer to ensure your workforce does not become a communist workforce.

Stamping out lateness is a number one priority. Have a no tolerance policy. If a staff member is late even by a single second, they must be punished mercilessly and treated as if they are Joseph Stalin himself.

As such, our guide ahead details how to manage workplace lateness in brutal fashion. Don’t let those freeloaders get away with it.

Work Lateness is the Scourge of the Office Sea

The Lateness at Work Act 1974 was introduced in 1974, the year after 1973, and the year before 1975. The Act seeks to offer substantial Act-based legal waffling on the nature of arriving to work at a time that wasn’t pre-determined, agreed upon, and/or acceptable under the haughty gaze of someone higher up the corporation.

The Act indicates levels of lateness vary significantly.

For example, one employee arriving to work 37 hours late should be treated with more contempt than one arriving 37 minutes late. If the former employee is that late, for example, due to a bone crunching accident then that may be excusable. Either way, demote him/her and give him/her a pay cut.

All-in-all, you should seek to establish a prolixity heavy lateness policy that rambles incoherently, contradicts itself, and ignores the myriad reasons why an employee may be late.

Instead, just ensure it makes one thing clear—lateness SHAN’T be tolerated and excuses SHAN’T be tolerated either. On pain of many bad things happening.

Ignore Pathetic Lateness Excuses

Employees will attempt to deviate around being late with falsified exhortations from the hole in their face. In other words, they’re gonna lie a lot.

Remember, you’re not paying employees to be late. You’re paying them to be on time.

That’s EXACTLY why you enforce an in-office working policy and abandon your staff to the capricious mercies of enormously unreliable public transport and/or road usage.

As the employer, by living in your own little fantasy world of over-privilege you can maintain the delusion public transport (which you probably have only used once in the last year and that was in first class on a train) runs like metronomic perfection day in, day out. Therefore, why would an employee ever be late when this model of exemplary brilliance is there to easily transport these lazy freeloaders to and from work!? They don’t know how easy they’ve got it. It is disgusting!

Therefore, maintain a no-nonsense, instantly dismissible policy towards dumb excuses such as:

• The house exploded
• My family was abducted by aliens
• I’m hungover
• World War II has commenced
• There’s a snowstorm
• It’s Saturday and I’m working to do you a favour
• The train/tram/bus/whatever broke down

The most common excuse will be the train, bus, or car they frequent had a cessation in its forward motion towards your premises.

Do note, in 99.99% of all cases this excuse is a lie.

In all likelihood your employee has been out on a side-hustle to sell or score hardcore drugs. Frisk them immediately and without warning and confiscate the cocaine, heroin, Lemsips, mints, and/or GP prescribed prescription drugs off your person. Then report the employee to the police.

Tactics to Enforce Limited Lateness

The best way to ensure staff members will always be on time is with an aggressive, utterly pointless, counterproductive, and seemingly idiotic enforcement of a full return to the office. No hybrid days!

Wildly unpopular with everyone except massively overpaid higher management members who can turn up to work in fancy vehicles as and when they please, your policy will make it clear to employees you don’t value their time or mental well-being.

There has been no better devised technique to ensure employee lateness is stamped out once and for all.

However, other tactics you may wish to consider include:

• Chaining employees to their desks so they can never, ever leave
• Detonating the entrance of the building so they’re trapped within your workplace
• Offering delightful cheese titbits at 9am sharp to ensure staff arrive to embrace the dairy-based joy
• Offering a random £10,000 reward for employees who arrive at 9am

These superb ideas won’t cost your business much overhead (other than the ongoing £10k one) and will also also your workplace isn’t inundated with communists.