One of the most difficult things about this time of year (autumn) is appropriate timing for a Christmas tree purchase. Buy one too soon and society will judge you as an excitable lunatic. Too late and you’ll be ostracised as a pathetic wastrel.

The survival of your family and its status in your local community depends on getting this purchase right.

As today’s human male in despair pontificates, just when is it the right time… to buy a Christmas tree? We discuss, stare longingly into the middle-distance, and provide a half-arsed response.

Oh, Christmas Tree—When Doth One Put it Up?

Dear agony aunt,

My name is Barry and I’m having a serious row with my wife Sally right now about when to put the Christmas tree up. See, I went out and bought the thing yesterday (19.10). I was busy putting it up in the living room when the wife walks in, sees me, sees the tree, her eyes bulge out, and she’s like, “What are you doing, Barry!?”

I explained what I were doing. I says, “I’m putting the Christmas tree up, woman!” So she goes, “BUT IT’S STILL OCTOBER, NUMBNUTS!”

I weren’t having that, I got up from wrapping tree lights around the thing and dramatically pointed a finger at her before yelling, “WELL WHAT TIME DO YOU SUGGEST WE PUT IT UP!? ON CHRISTMAS DAY!? THAT IS ABSURD!”

Well, and get this (women truly are from Venus), she thinks we should wait… until November 25th. ONE WHOLE ENTIRE MONTH before Christmas. “That feels right” she said.

“THAT FEELS RIGHT?!” I guffawed at her. “EH!?” And I mocked her. I laughed in her STUPID face. If we were online I’d do the laughing crying emoji (😂) thing to show her I’d already won the debate by use of, said, emoji like those say-it-how-it-is guys do. Because we’re always right. 😂😂

Anyway my patronising attitude just annoyed her and so she challenged me to explain why putting up the Christmas tree in barely passable mid-October is the ideal time. So, I steeled myself I did, then I came out with probably my finest moment of verbal genius across my entire life, me (rewording a bit because I can’t remember word for word, like):

“Woman, it is the right time to put up the Christmas because it is the right time to put up the Christmas tree. When I were a lad, back in the day when Linda Ronstadt and Patti Smith were in the charts, and you could yell at women in the street if they looked hot, without fear of being accused of sexual harassment, then you could see that the Christmas trees were up in the shops. Even if it were April. Or May. I forget which month specifically, but anyway, the point stands. And the point is that when I order some noodles from the local Chinese and they give me prawn crackers to go with that, then THAT IS A GOOD THING! So that is the same as the Christmas tree. It goes up and it’s like prawn crackers and noodles and those little sachets of soy sauce what you get, too, from the very attractive Chinese lady who always serves me and calls me, “Dear”. WHY DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME DEAR?!”

The wife just stood there staring at me open-mouthed. Such is the extent of my genius in spoken word I really should have taken this as a career I ran rings around her. Silly woman.

Anyway, please confirm I’m right by agreeing with me and then I can rub her face in in it more.

Ta,

Barry

Hi there, Barry. We researched our response to your thesis in great detail and have determined the following, thanks to A Guide to the Proper Timing of Christmas Decorations for the Discerning Victorian Household With Reasonable Expectations Within the Confines of a Middle-Class Interior (1864) by Mary Smith.

In chapter 1 of 567 she states:

“One must opine to designate the Christmas tree upon thine earthly exterior to whit, and to which, afternoonified it shall be arfarfanarf for the bag o’ mystery. Pertain to the bow wow mutton and daddles for the bearer up, after which; the cop a mouse; penny-farthing; bubble around; damfino; collie shangles; batty-fang; bang up the elephant. Thus, the discerning tree is up, erected, and complete upon 24th November of each beastly year.”

We’ve no idea what she’s on about other than for the date. There we have it. All further conversation over! 24th November it is, otherwise yee shall face hanging, drawing, and quartering. Tally, bally ho!