The humble toothbrush. One of the most iconic items in the world of dental hygiene and, without one, your teeth would rot from your face leaving you looking like a British person.

Thus, we must use the toothbrush to avoid the British invasion. However, some human males are more invasive with their toothbrushing usage than others. Such as with today’s man bloke, whom USES his girlfriend’s toothbrush. The unspeakable horror…

When a Man Uses Your Toothbrush

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend, Derek, has this DISGUSTING habit. He uses MY toothbrush and it is gross. I don’t know where his mouth has been, for a start, that’s what worries me. That and he eats almost nothing but instant noodles, crisps, and pies so I know that shared toothbrush will be swarming with “undesirables”.

I’ve confronted him about this and demanded to know why he keeps using my toothbrush. He said, “Babe, it’s because of the cost of living crisis. This’ll save us about £50 a year. So, belt up! I still want that holiday to Ibiza and this is the way to do that, woman.”

He’s right about how we both want that holiday to BERMUDA (not Ibiza, tssk). But he could take a different approach, you know? Like he spends £100s every month drinking beer and going on nights out with his mates. I told him he could tone that down and he threw a right wobbler! He yelled at me that I was “invading my freedom of speech!” (he’s just read that book by Liz Truss and I think his brain has been screwed).

What do you suggest? I know we’re not married, but maybe it’s time to divorce my boyfriend. I don’t want to keep brushing his crisps gunk onto my otherwise beautiful and shiny pearly white teeth.

Suggestions?

Yours, Cassandra

Hi there, Cassandra. The dynamics of toothbrush usage in any relationship are complex, intrusive, but always minty fresh.

There’s an important thesis on this called The Usage of Toothbrushes in Marriage Pertaining to the Annoyance of One Partner Over Another (1972). Written by Dr. Theordore McConservative, the classically stereotypical ’70s conservative philosopher opined:

“The fact of the matter is that the toothbrush represents the retardation of traditional family values. On the one hand, there are those who have just the one toothbrush for a family of four. On the other hand, the bourgeois will have a toothbrush PER INDIVIDUAL and whether they deserve their own toothbrush or not. It must be noted this state of affairs is most detrimental to traditional family values. Indeed, I must sadly predict that the traditional family unit will be dead and buried before the decade is out and replaced with brainwashed slaves worshipping the Devil incarnate—THE ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.”

Dr. McConservative is, of course, correct on this matter. Since 1971 we’ve seen electric toothbrushes utterly decimate family values to the extent everyone now has lovely, shiny teeth. This is just disgusting.

Our suggestion to you is to remove ALL toothbrushing implements from your household (including the bog brush in case someone gets desperate and tries to use that instead) and burn them in a giant fire in the street.

Encourage friends and family to do the same.

As you watch neighbours PURGING those implements of disgrace, laugh diabolically and bask safely in the knowledge you’ve just saved your relationship and, indeed, civilization itself.