At the International Seesaw Committee of Excellence (ISCOE), we are committed to upholding the international, national, and local standards of excellence for seesaws.

It is our sworn duty to regulate the seesaw industry to ensure there is no corruption, embezzlement, incompetence, or misuse of seesaws across the seven continents.

As this is a considerable undertaking, our annual governmental funding of $35 billion is to ensure we complete our duties to the highest of standards. Nothing short of excellence will do at ISCOE.

ISCOE: Real-Time Monitoring of Seesaw Manufacturing and Usage

Formed in 2019 in the aftermath of The Great Seesaw Depression, ISCOE’s singular focus is to extrapolate the true potential of this long-narrow board supported by a plank of wood.

Since ancient times, such as 1790, have artists like Goya painted Saturn Devouring His Son and kiddie winkles embracing thine joys of youth.

Such merriment must be monitored at all costs to ensure children do not enjoy themselves too much. Expressions of delight must be restricted to exclamations such as:

• Golly gosh!
• Wow!
• Oh my!
• This is super!
• Wheee!

Modernised expressions BANNED from usage include, but are not limited to:

• Fuckin’ ‘ell, this is proper beltin’!
• I’m bored let’s go get an energy drink
• I’m bored let’s go play FIFA

Central to our mission is our esteemed director Geoffrey Pomposity. It is his impressive vision that guides us towards a future of sensible seesaw usage.

“The paradigm seesaw is cognisant of justice. Verisimilitude is germane; quixotic; eschewed as it is with the perambulation of kurtosis of the saw.”

Geoffrey Pomposity, Esteemed Director of ISCOE

To note, due to ongoing confusion, the goal of ISCOE is unrelated to chainsaws. Please stop asking us about that. Whilst we believe chainsaws to be fine implements of destruction, they have little to do with seesaws.

Additionally, using a chainsaw whilst riding a seesaw would be positively suicidal behaviour. Avoid that at all costs.

That is a warning. ISCOE will be monitoring you 24/7 to ensure you comply with our increasingly psychotic rules and regulations.

ISCOE: Frequently Asked Questions

To assist with any of your questions, and to stop you from pestering us, here are FAQs regarding our organisation.

Why are your regulations so harsh?! Just let the children have fun!

Children these days are borderline uncontrollable, soft, and in need of Victorian era levels of discipline. The first step towards wiping the fun out of their lives is to strictly monitor seesaws. As traditional items of traditional “fun”, ISCOE prides itself on ensuring entertainment value is limited.

I was thinking of setting up a seesaw in my back garden for my kids, what do I need to do to clear that with ISCOE?

You will need clearance based on a strict planning application with various, confusing criteria to meet. For example, you will need to be earning a certain amount of annual income and you MUST NOT be a working class scumbag.

A committee of ISCOE delegates shall review your case over several months.

If deemed suitable to build a seesaw on your land, you shall be informed by one of the, aforementioned, delegates. Construction of the item may then commence, under strict supervision by a team of ISCOE specialists, who will verify the appropriate installation in your back garden.

CCTV and other monitoring hardware will then be installed by ISCOE around your property to ensure appropriate usage of the item.

Do you think, just possibly, you’re taking your seesaw monitoring duties a little too seriously?

Shut up, poopy pants! It is our sworn duty to protect the land. It is the complacency you exhibit that has led to seesaw usage being abused over the last century. We shall crush down with draconian force on anyone who stands in the way of punitive seesaw usage measures.