It isn’t Christmas yet, that’s soon enough, but to “celebrate” (whilst grimacing) we’ve done a big bunch of festive haiku.

Bearing in mind we’ve spent the last 30+ years listening to Noddy Holder of Slade screeching “IT’S CHRRRRRISSSMASSS!” like a possessed cockerel, thus our enthusiasm for all of this is… a little jaded.

Tis the Season to Read Our Christmas Haiku and Hate the Words

You know the drill. Mince pies, spending £100s on Christmas presents nobody wants, and getting wasted on Christmas Day and telling your uncle what you REALLY think about him. All of which is best expressed… in verse!

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Christmas Rabies

It is Christmas,
But I got rabies,
People say, “We wish you a merry rabies.”

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Christmas Gangrene

At Christmas it’s usually white,
But for me this year it’s pretty shite,
Gangrene got me and my leg fell off.

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Ho Ho Hop

This Christmas I’ve decided to hop,
It went well until I fell down a massive drop,
Now I can no longer hop.

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Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Carol singers came to my door,
They went “Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!”
This is why I own a shotgun.

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Christmas Music in Supermarkets

Today I went shopping for eggs,
Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy started playing,
I destroyed all the eggs.

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Santa is Real

I’m pretty sure Santa Claus is real, 
I know because I used to watch Ally McBeal,
Which proves I have nerves of steel.

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Wearing Bobble Hats in Winter

I’m a man who wears bobble hats,
Some people point and laugh,
To distract them I bought a pet giraffe.

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Buying Rubbish Presents

I really hate buying presents,
I rarely spend more than 10 cents,
My wife says that’s a capital offense.

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Getting Drunk on Boxing Day

It’s 10am and I’m drunk on gin,
Affixed to my face is a great big grin,
Even though my brother-in-law only got me a bin.

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Great Escape is on the Telly

Watching The Great Escape at Christmas is a Great British tradition,
I make it my annual mission,
By the way I’m also a registered beautician.

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Anti-Santa Security Systems

Santa sure ain’t getting into my home,
I’ll shoot him dead like a garden gnome!
Especially if his preferred operating system is Google Chrome!!

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Brain Transplant on Christmas Day

I’m getting a brain transplant on Christmas Day,
It’s making me feel very gay,
I’m hoping it’ll make me good at ballet.

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Snow is Earth’s Dandruff

My friends and family hate my guts,
Cos I say snow is dandruff from the gods,
I’m now barred from all Christmas-based social interactions…

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Illegal Christmas Crackers

To make my Christmas crackers a big hit,
I filled them all up with shit,
Now I am in jail.

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Bag of Cement for Christmas

For Christmas I got the wife a bag of cement,
She said I’m “A bit bent”,
She’s also left me and moved to Kent.