There’s nothing quite like a cup of harsh, cheap, granule-based coffee to kick off an underpaid employee’s working day. However, and as such, therefore, it’s in accordance with The Cheap Coffee at Work Act 1974 that it’s good business practice to have this type of beverage available for employees.
Whilst the above paragraph may be unnecessarily long and confusing, keep in mind what’s at stake here—your business and your success and your ability to buy steak.
As such, it’s good business practice to know all about populating your workplace with low-quality coffee granules that’ll make staff member’s, collective, breaths smell like dead rat.
Comprehending The Cheap Coffee at Work Act 1974
This Act is one of the most confusing and enormous of all employment law Acts. It’s the one that’s handed to professionals new to the industry to see if they can hack the, said, Act.
Most cannot. Most get around 300 pages into the 145,021 page tome and burst into tears, aware their feeble brains cannot comprehend the, aforementioned, Act.
Whilst The Cheap Coffee at Work Act 1974 may be terrifying, remember the purpose of the Act isn’t to make you foul yourself. On page 145 in section 36 (a) of paragraph 27 (c) in section 14 (z) it states:
“The purpose of this Act is to provide a roadmap for organisations like yours into understand how, when, where, why, and what cheap granule coffee is and why it’ll make your grunt employees’ breath stink.”
The rest of the, said, Act is to, as aforementioned, elucidate on the matter of cheap coffee in the workplace. The, said, Act indicates the beverage:
- Must be readily available 24/7
- Must be of extreme low-quality
- Must be complemented by full fat, low-quality milk packed with loads of chemicals in it
An average employee should aim to consume 17 litres of this concoction per working month. Whilst this will lead to conditions such as scurvy, gut rot, and brain haemorrhages, it will also assist with increasing productivity rates.
Why Granule Coffee Must Be Supplied to Employees
Ensure you send, on a daily basis, your worst paid employee to a low-budget supermarket to stock up on that day’s cheap coffee requirements. 10 jars should suffice.
It’s essential to do this to fuel your workforce.
Whilst this type of granule-based beverage is foul-smelling and vile, your inferior employees on a dismal wage don’t know any better. Thus, and as not aforementioned, it is good business practice to clog their arteries with as much of this weird formulated caffeine as humanly possible.
Remember that legendary business maxim from How to Win Hens and Influence Peacocks:
“Caffeine is the friend of capitalism. It is plutonic to a front, but give it a couple of beers and/or wines and those two are going full relationship mode and having energy drink babies.”
This paragraph has been widely criticised by anyone sane, but the rest of the business world has had it printed off and nailed onto office walls to get the message across.
And the message is this—drink cheap, gross granule coffee! It’ll make your breath stink.
How to Deal With Employee-Based Cheap Granule Coffee Bad Breath
Mints. Bad breath is bad for business, not matter how productive your halfwit employees you can’t trust are. And, as previously indicated, the solution is mints. Including:
- Everton mints
- Buttermints
- Mint tea
- Mint imperials
- Spearmint chews
- Mintoes
- Tingo sugar-free Mintoes
- Humbugs
- After Eights
To ensure everyone doesn’t stink the office out, ensure (and make sure) a vast assortment of the above mints are readily available for employees at all times.
This will keep everyone’s breath minty fresh (to some extent).
Minty freshness is crucial in order to prevent deeply offending the likes of visitors, clients, VIPs, and new starters you don’t want knowing your entire business model runs off cheap coffee.
Addendum: In the Event of Emergency Lacks of Cheap Coffee
In the worst case scenario, you may not have access to cheap coffee. For example, if your local budget supermarket has burned to the ground during an arson attack.
If this is the case, the only alternative is to bulk buy energy drinks. Employees hepped up on energy drinks may become aggressive and dangerous, but there are two positives:
- Their breath won’t stink bad
- They’ll be even more productive!
The downside is cheap coffee is cheap for a reason (because it’s cheap). Whereas energy drinks aren’t cost-effective for a reason.
As such, it’s good business practice to avoid this situation in favour of cheap coffee. As such, attempt to avoid emergency situations—bulk buying granule coffee by the tonne is an effective solution.
