Energy Drinks at Work: Laws on Energising Lazy Employees

Energy drinks make your employees less lazy

Due to the staggering laziness of employees who are too stupid to run their own businesses, as an employer you may find your business flounder.

And that’ll be purely down to lazy employees.

To ensure staff members aren’t being lazy, you need to fill them with energy drinks. This’ll ensure they’re full charged 24/7 and don’t suffer too many long-term health defects.

Introducing Energy Drinks Into the Working Environment

As with tuna in the workplace, you need a policy to introduce energy drinks.

You cannot just roll things like this out on employees as it may startle them, leading to a workplace stampede, crush, death, and destruction.

Instead, follow The Energy Drinks at Work Act 1974. In section 21 (f) on page 4,321 it states the following.

“Energy drinks provide your employees with drinks (and energy).”

Following on from such an adroit statement, it states it section 22 (f) on page 4,322 this.

“Drinks involving energy are energetic.”

Some have suggested the legal policies probably should have been updated since 1974, but the billionare CEO of popular energy drink firm Energy Drinks said in July 2022.

“No.”

As such, it’s good business practice to ensure all of your employees are totally loaded with the following:

  • Energy drinks
  • Bloated self-esteem
  • Energy drinks
  • Sugar
  • Caffeine
  • Caffeine and sugar and energy drinks

In short, ensure your employees are so loaded with caffeine and sugar and energy drinks they can’t understand what’s going on.

Legally, that’s covered in the The Employees Not Understanding Energy Drinks at Work Act 1974. To note, it was written in 1974 to complement The Energy Drinks at Work Act 1974. But that was in 1975 (no, no one understands this legislation).

However, due to employees in 1974 still believing it to be 1974 in 1975 (due to energy drink-based confusion), 1975 was still 1974 for those hepped up on everything enough to still believe the year was different.

Naturally, the confusion means energy drinks are encouraged and any employee not consuming litres of the stuff daily faces a cessation on their employment status.

As such, due to unbridled terror of unfair dismissal, it’s common to see modern employees overexcited and:

  • Hurling themselves upon their daily duties in a manner you’d consider utterly psychotic (i.e. In line with your average CEO’s personality disorder)
  • Trying to go on 700 mile runs on a random whim
  • Picking their noses vociferously for 12 -hour periods
  • Finding office meetings simultaneously fascinating and an agitating chore
  • Demanding masses of cake and other sugary confectionary in a mindless, deranged cycle of binging

Due to the lunacy of much of these hyperactive antics, The Hyperactivity at Work Act 1974 was launched in 2022 to combat workplace-based burnout since 1974.

Critics suggested that was too little, too late to assist individuals in work nearly 50 years ago. However, one government official indicated this covered liability in the event someone tried on a lawsuit of some sort.

A petition was launched in September 2022 demanding the Act be renamed The Hyperactivity at Work Act 2022.

However, and unexpectedly, a small army of outraged former professionals from the mid-1970s took to the streets to violently riot over the matter.

It later transpired they believed it had something to do with their pensions and they unanimously apologised for the mishap.

To irk Millennials, the The Hyperactivity at Work Act 1974 was subsequently renamed The Hyperactivity at Work Act 1973 on October 2nd, 2022.

Toxic Workplaces and Energy Drinks

Excessive energy drink consumption can lead to:

  • Toxicity
  • Mania
  • Extreme surges of lunacy
  • Death
  • Destruction
  • Higher profits for your business

As such, it’s your duty of care as an employer to underpay 99% of your employees so they can barely afford bills, rent, and other “staying alive” essentials.

In November 2021, the government introduced The Ah, Ha, Ha, Ha, Stayin’ Alive Act 1977 to complement The Hyperactivity at Work Act 1973 and The Energy Drinks at Work Act 1974. All three, when consolidated, become such an unfathomable mess of legal jargon only Albert Einstein would be able to tell what’s going on. But he’s still dead, thusly rendering that option redundant.

As such, the confusion surrounding the employment law on this matter is as confusing as it is being out of it on 12 litres of energy drinks.

The aptness of such a situation isn’t lost on energy drinks providers.

Many marketing campaigns play on the frothing lunacy of employees arriving at work at 4am, convinced they can scale the 34 storey building where they work with only a bucket and spade.

Indeed, this particular anecdote has played out dozens of times across the world. From London to New York and Tokyo, the energy-drink based Bucket and Spade Challenge has become a viral sensation.

Scenes of sugar crazed employees scaling vast skyscrapers in only their underwear have wowed the world and proven the commitment to working harder one needs in the world of capitalism.

One CEO in Bolton of Greater Manchester told us this.

“We had one apprentice, Callum, climb our four story office in only his Y-fronts to prove to us his commitment to work. We pay him below minimum wage, he’s 25, and lives with his mother. We find his dedication so compelling, had he not fallen to his bone shattering death we’d have given him a pay rise in a few years to minimum wage. That’s proof if you work hard you shall succeed.”

Yes, the Bucket and Spade Challenge has also led to hundreds of “deaths”.

But at least sales for bucket and spades have surged, which is excellent news for the economy and the superior business owners running such organisations.

5 comments

    • If you do energy drinks AND electric shocks you get extra bang for your buck, there. Plus, electric shocks at work are regulated under The Electric Shocks at Work Act 1974. I’ll have to do a guide to that.

      Like

Dispense with some gibberish!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.