Hi there! I’m Susan the cat (yes, I’ve learned how to type and communicate in broken English). I is and are here today using my owner’s website to THREATEN you all with demands for food.

Please take these threats seriously.

I may be cute and cuddly, and affectionate in a way whilst also sort of threatening and aloof, but I am also extremely dangerous (when not having a nap… which, admittedly, I must do for at least 12 hours a day).

So, to reiterate on all of that lot, I, Susan, am:

1. Extremely dangerous
2. Just not when napping
3. Or when I want to play (which is also a considerable amount of time)
4. And I’m not dangerous when I’m eating, because I need to eat and I cannot SLAY you all whilst consuming delicious foodstuffs

If you can think of a way how I can SLAY things whilst consuming food, please let me know. Seriously, that’d be the bee’s knees and we’d be besties and you’ll get heel rubs from me into the Sun explodes in a hellish fireball.

Donating to the Susan the Cat Food Appeal

By choosing to donate to The Susan the Cat Food Appeal you choose to support me—Susan. These are the reasons you should support me:

• I am very supportable
• I will maul you with my fearsome claws if you don’t

Last time of counting there were about 8 billion people on the planet of Earth. That means I must maul many billions of humans. That saddens me to think like that… but it is ABSOLUTELY necessary unless I get many cartons of chicken chunks in gravy (which is my total fave, for some reason even I don’t understand).

To make donations you send send me all your money. I don’t want to hear any stupid excuses like “But I worked for this money and you just nap all the time!” because that’s just plain not giving me any food.

Thus, forward your money humans!

Donations can also be made in food. Simply go forth into the street and buy cat food. Send it to my owners, they’ll then feed me. Just, come on! Hurry up! Food! Now! Come on! HUNGER! COME ON!! NOW! COME ON! HURRY! HUNGER! URGH! COME ON!

Okay, I’m going for a nap now.

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FAQs Regarding Susan the Cat’s Food Appeal

Here are some answers to expected FAQs you’ll potentially have regarding your upcoming mauling. These are answered by the team here at Professional Moron as Susan is currently taking a nap.

I don’t want to be mauled by Susan. How do I get out of this horrifying development in my life!?

It’s so simple even a halfwit could understand it! Simply donate all of your life savings to this appeal. Susan will be very grateful.

I’m not donating to the appeal. So, what exactly happens during the cat-based mauling?

Susan will hunt you down and, when you’re least expecting it, launch through mid-air like Peter Schmeichel and then bite, scratch, scratch, and bite. You’ll receive clawing wounds and will probably need to liberally apply TCP to each affected area. Really, it’ll be like super terrifying! Best donate instead.

Is this a registered charity in compliance with UK laws?

No! It isn’t. Isn’t that just splendid?

Why aren’t you feeding Susan? She’s your cat!

We do feed Susan. It’s just all the food under the Sun isn’t enough to slake this one’s desire for more. More. MORE!!! As such, please donate your life’s savings.