It’s a well documented notion that human males need a hobby to keep themselves occupied. Some watch football, others drink beer, yet then there are a dedicated few who bleed radiators.
For human females (wives) watching on, this may be deeply concerning. However, as we confirm today there’s really nothing at all to worry about, you silly sausages!
When a Man Loves Bleeding Radiators
Dear agony aunt,
My name is Gwen and I’m 55 years of age. I have a husband. He’s a fairly normal husband with nothing particularly remarkable about him to be honest. He’s also 55 years of age and goes by the name of Jeremy. All that is fine and well and good, but the problem is that over the last three months this winter Jeremy has gone and got himself an odd obsession with the radiators in our three bedroom home.
There are 10 radiators in our home. My husband has named them all:
- John
- Michael
- Michael
- Michael
- Rupert
- Simon
- Bruce
- Bruce
- Bruce
- Bruce
Notice how he’s used Michael and Bruce on repeat? Well, he can specifically remember which radiator is which and calls them all fondly by the names he’s instilled upon their being. Worse still, he spends an INORDINATE amount of time bleeding each radiator. It’s each morning, noon, and night he goes round with his radiator bleeding key and he lies on the floor bleeding them while whispering sweet nothings like:
“There there, Bruce, you’ve now been bled and are all better. There’s a good radiator! Keep me warm and all will be well with the world.”
To be honest, hearing my husband say stuff like that to every radiator he’s bleeding all day long has left me feeling very disturbed. Is he mental? I can’t help but feel his many years of consuming beer and pies has warped his sense of perspective.
Please help me out before I have to smash a frying pan over his head.
Yours,
Gwen
Hi there, Gwen! It’s clear your husband is one of two things:
- Clinically insane
- Labouring under a midlife crisis
It could, in fact, be both. But based on our years of agony aunting, we suspect it’s one or the other. This is both good and bad news as:
- If he’s clinically insane then you’ll probably have to divorce him
- If he’s having a midlife crisis this radiator business is just the tip of the radiator-based iceberg
It’ll be one giant radiator iceberg floating away in the ocean, like that one that sunk the Titanic. So, Gwen, you need to act fast! Don’t hesitate! Hire someone to rip all the radiators from your walls, have them BURNED in a big pile in your front drive, and then install underfloor heating.
Sure, it’ll cost a lot. Your husband may also blub like a big wuss for a week or two after the death of his beloved radiators. But then you’ll both agree underfloor heating is great and you’ll never have to worry about any of this ever again!
Unless he’s mad. In which case, read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and hope for the best.
