When you hire a witch, be prepared for all manner of gubbins to develop within your working environment. Whilst some leftists may claim witches aren’t real, they totally are real and you’d better prepare your business for their heinous ways.

When not cooking up concoctions and other potions, your witch will invoke magical entities to often do harm to your other employees.

It’s your duty of care as an employer to keep staff safe, thus we have devised this employment law guide to comprehend offices, witches, and what to do if one of your managers is turned into a frog.

Business Guide to Managing Witches at Work

The Witches at Work Act 1374 legislates this matter. The Act hasn’t been modified in centuries, thus is written in Middle English (ME). Section 74 (a) on page 145,511 states:

“If thou hast in thy service a wicche, see well that she turn not thy other serving-folk into froggen. Strive to cease her screeches like a bedlam at all hours, and by no means suffer the devil’s woman to brew loathsome and cunning draughts that might bring forth the doom of humankind.”

Translated into modern English, that reads as follows:

“If you have in your employ a witch, be sure to ensure she does not turn other employees into frog. Attempt to stop her from cackling like a madwoman at all hours of the day and, under all circumstances, prevent the devil woman from concocting foul and devious potions that may bring about the end of humanity.”

It’s good business practice to hire a Middle English translator. Your witch will speak in this manner at all times, which may prove confusing for everyone else (yourself included, genius overlord superior business owner on a six-figure salary).

Pay the translator minimum wage and treat them poorly. It is all they deserve.

Common Roles for a Witch in Modern Business

Whilst witches conjure up images of the Middle Ages and giant cauldrons of bubbling purple liquid with eyeballs floating in the, aforementioned, cauldron, this is not largely the case in modern business.

Granted, a witch will always have a cauldron of broiling potion on the go—there’s nothing you can do about that, legally, as defined in The Witches at Work Act 1374. A sorceress is legally protected and allowed to concoct whatever foul and nefarious potions she chooses (read Shakespeare’s Macbeth for more insights into this).

You may have concerns a witch has no place in your business, but you may wish to hire one for roles such as:

• Janitor
• Sales representative
• Receptionist
• Customer service assistant
• Junior marketing executive
• Supernatural manager
• Curse creator

Some employers hire witches to concoct curses to execrate competitors with hoodoo and invoke various damnations on other business owners. This can steal your organisation a critical competitive advantage in the 24/7 capitalist world.

However, some business owners will hire a witch as a janitor as they just need someone to keep the premises clean.

Whichever route you choose, bend over backwards to ensure you don’t enrage, annoy, irritate, vex, agitate, or anything else, your witch. The same goes for your pathetic, lowly paid employees. This is because your latest employee may turn everyone into an amphibian, which is typically viewed as bad for business.

What to Do If Your Witch Turns Members of Staff Into Frogs

Whilst witches are highly intelligent and hardworking, their tendency to turn all and sundry into frogs can upset business targets and significantly stultify productivity.

It is well documented in business acumen that frogs cannot work as well as humans.

As such, it’s good business practice to have a plan of action in place when, inevitably, your witch transforms (for example) your marketing manager into a loathsome toad (or frog). When this occurs, you should grab hold of your newly amphibian marketing manager and transport the frog to your nearest local pond.

With this creature disposed of, it’s time to hire a new marketing manager (or promote your witch to the, aforementioned, role).

It’s very difficult to get a witch-based employee to turn a colleague back into a human being. As such, you’ll need to have a flexible recruitment strategy to hand so you can rapidly replace newly frog-based members of staff with competent humans and/or witches.

Indeed, some businesses deem it worthwhile to go ahead and simply hire witches to replace the original human employee. Do be aware a workforce consisting entirely of witches may seem like a great idea, but it also means you won’t be meeting your diversity criteria.

You can address this issue by hiring warlocks.

These male practitioners of magic have the added bonus of boasting some of the most impressive beards in the known world today.

Minimising a Witches’ Relentless Cackling

One of the downsides of a witch at work is the incessant cackling that becomes a witch.

Upon arriving at work (and, indeed, before even arriving) the individual will cackle diabolically for the entirety of the working day. This may irritate some of her colleagues, which can lead to workplace disputes.

Disputes that, inevitably, the witch will win as she can turn an opponent into a frog that, as previously indicated, results in the need to frequent ponds and hire warlocks.

If you have more than on witch working for you, the cackling (complemented by bouts of conjured mist and bubbling potion cauldrons) can be most distracting indeed.

It’s good business practice to invest in an office radio.

Using this implement, after an ideational ideating session to synergise the concept, you can introduce the radio into an office environment and pelt out banging hits such as Barbie Girl and Aga Doo. Such hits will distract your employees from the terrifying cackling from the other side of the office.