Tired of using the malfunctioning old self-service checkout tills!? But don’t want to talk to the working-class scumbags manning the tills!?

YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!

It’s a well-documented fact consumers have to pay for goods. Without completing a transaction, the consumer would be guilty of theft and jailed for life without the possibility of parole. But with the Subconscious Self-Service Checkout Tills (SSSCT), you can detach yourself from reality and cruise through the payment experience as if in a lucid dream!

Subconscious Payments: The Payment is Not Here, it it There

Meet Henry the Hypnotist. He’s our friendly in-store hypnotist. For willing shoppers, he’s on hand to hypnotise you upon your arrival at participating stores. What happens next is:

• Henry will take you into his Hypno Room™
• In the Hypno Room™ you’ll be hypnotised
• In your subconscious state you’ll then be released back into the store
• SHOP TILL YOUR DROP!!!
• Benefit from our cheap, cheap prices!
• BARGAINS GALORE!!!

You’ll be in such a serene state you won’t have any idea what’s going on! Remove the stresses of the shopping experience! No:

1. Barging trolleys out of the way on aisles
2. Getting into fights with people crowding around the Reduced to Clear section
3. Covering your ears to drown out the screams of upset babies and delinquent mothers whom don’t give a damn
4. Having to listen to those VERY LOUD in-store tannoy announcements
5. REMEMBERING PAYING AT THE SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT TILLS
6. REMEMBERING PAYING AT THE STANDARD CHECKOUT TILLS
7. Complete peace of mind

Please note, once alleviated from your subconscious state at the end of your store visit (at a charge of only £79.99), you’ll likely be angry and confused.

It’s a bit like waking up with a colossal hangover and you can’t remember anything.

Fret not! Henry the Hypnotist will help you out of your store and will even assist you with locating your car in the £10 an hour car park! Once into your vehicle with your shopping, you’ll need to be off our premises within five minutes or face prosecution for trespassing.

Check Out Our Ecstatic Customer Testimonials

“I decided to enter my subconscious realm because I HATE WITH ALL MY MIGHT the checkout till process. I went into the Hypno Room™ and was hypnotised. I don’t remember anything about my shopping experience, all I know is that, when I was brought out of my trance, I found I’d purchased 237 packs of Sudocrem antiseptic healing cream and a no frills tin of baked beans. I demanded my money back, but Henry the Hypnotist threatened to beat me up. So, I’m ashamed to say, I legged it one. The beans weren’t very nice, either. NOT A HAPPY CUSTOMER!” John from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I entered my trance and, in a serene trance, tranced around the store. Although I didn’t purchase a single item from me 32 item strong shopping list, I did buy a litre of gin and had begun consuming in-store and got in a fight with a security guard about it. The store is now pressing charges against me. I’m going to have to plead insanity…” Jill from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“While I didn’t have to remember using the self-service checkout till, the bane of my existence, in-store I was swiped by a pickpocket and lost my wallet and mobile phone. I WAS LEFT TOTALLY DEFENCELESS BECAUSE I WAS IN A SUBCONSCIOUS STATE! THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS ADVERTISED! On the plus side, I got a great deal in the Reduced to Clear section and enjoyed a nice meal of readymade microwave spag bol that night for 10p. I’ll deffo try this again! Can’t beat prices like that.” Derek from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“we’re hypnotied and dont bleedin well remember a bloody thing. sick off this WOKE stuff me. just wanna do me shoppin and not have woke communism identity politics forced up me throat 24/7. im changin two an dyat off pork pyes know.” Linda from Bolton of Greater Manchester