Is your life pedestrian and lacking in drama? Then YOU need to succumb to an arbitrary moral panic! At Moral Panic Services Enterprises Ltd., with industry-leading prices we can brainwash you into a panic-stricken frenzy about complete non-issues!

From stringy cheese to deodorant or unisex bathrooms, you name it we can make you riot in the street about it!

Inject some much needed EXCITEMENT and TERROR into your boring daily routine today! At only £100 a session, you’ll be a paranoid wreck before you can say, “Let’s go on a berserk witch hunt frenzy!”

Make YOUR Life More Dramatic With Moral Panic Services

To add more intrigue and horror to your existence, please find the core services we offer below to shit you up a bit.

Cabbage Hysteria

Some of our customers stop dealing with us the moment we reveal our speciality.

But think about it. Think about cabbage. Seemingly innocuous and a fine accompaniment to any roast dinner, but should you really be so complacent about this vegetable? Didn’t you know 17 million people choke to horrible death on cabbage annually? Indeed. It’s time to be very scared indeed about this vegetable and others (including potatoes).

Miscellaneous: Satan, Socialism, LGBTQ, Video Games, Woke Mob

We bracket the rest of our moral panic services into the miscellaneous group, as listed above. We view these as less horrifying than cabbage as vegetables well and truly are the great threat to our way of life.

But, seeing as many of our customers want to get worked up into a frenzy about Mario Kart and Earthworm Jim, we’ve got a 17 year old gamer apprentice to scare the bejeezus out of you. He’s got acne, his hair is unkempt, he’s petulant and lazy—HE IS EXACTLY EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD OF MY GOD WHAT HAVE THE LEFTISTS DONE!?!

Sit in our friendly and welcoming moral panic clinic and watch as he plays Mario Kart 8 and swears when hit by a blue shell. As you tutt and shake your head at how society could have plunged to such depths, we’ll offer you a complimentary mug of brandy to help you steel yourself before returning to society.

There’s more of those bastards out there.

Many more.

They mix amongst society daily, doth the Mario Kart players, and some of them EAT CABBAGE frequently as well. If left unchecked, upstanding society as we know it will be plague-ridden and destroyed before the Sun goes supernova and wipes out Earth BILLIONS of years from now. Time is pressing. We must act… NOW!

Book in for Your Irrational Meltdown

Never fear! Mania is only ever a moment away! We offer in-person and online services—the latter is preferable for those likely to foul themselves due to the sheer terror-inducing nature of our services. Book in today on: 00101001 222222222222 0303030300303033 111 7181 99901.

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Testimonials From Our Panic-Stricken Customers

“ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!!” Jane, Bolton of Greater Manchester

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“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!” Jeff, Bolton of Greater Manchester

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“WON’T SOMBODY PLEASE THINK OF MY PET DOG HAROLD!?” Julie, Bolton of Greater Manchester

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“I found the service extortionate and a feeble attempt at brainwashing… that BLOODY WELL WORKED! DOWN WITH CABBAGE! THAT STUFF IS POISONING US ALL! THANK GOODNESS MORAL PANIC SERVICES ENTERPRISES LTD. SHOWED ME THE LIGHT! I HAVE RIOTED NON-STOP FOR WEEKS! DEATH TO CABBAGE! BRING BACK HANGING!!!” Jill, Bolton of Greater Manchester