Believe us when we write it here, dear readers! Many human males don’t wash their hands after taking a wazz in the restroom. Indeed. Let that thought fester in your mind for a while.
Now, let’s consider that again—many man blokes don’t wash their hands after taking a leak. We’ve seen it happen at work and in public restrooms. The geezer will relieve himself, then clear off out of the bathroom (often with a bunch of guttural coughing and grunting to back up their statement).
If you have a husband whom is one of these offenders, the shame on your family will ring true for generations. That’s why today, right here, our agony aunt is on hand to save the bloody day.
About Man Blokes Who Don’t Wash Their Hands After Using the Toilet
Dear agony aunt,
My name is Freda and my husband, Fred, has a bad habit I want to discuss with you in private (along with everyone else who reads your agony aunt column god only knows how many will identify us please change our names to keep us private thanks – Freda). The bad habit is this:
- He uses the bathroom for a urination
- He doesn’t wash his hands after a urination
Naturally, and thankfully (if not mercifully), he washed his hands after the other toilet habit he engages in. However, that’s no excuse! After he’s emptied his bladder he really well and bloody truly should wash his hands.
Now, I’ve confronted him on this matter. I’m an unusually large woman of 6 foot 1 and he’s 5 foot 8, so I got the chainsaw out of his shed and threatened to cleave him in half unless he stopped this bloody goddamn tomfoolery! Well, that was documented as a “domestic disturbance” because the neighbours saw me and called the police out to investigate. I was let off with a warning, my husband (half drunk on beer) waiving his right to press charges.
To get my revenge on the neighbours that night I went into their garden and savaged their rhododendron bushes with the chainsaw. However, they saw that as well.
While I wait for the legal proceedings on that to play out, there is still the matter of my husband going “pee pee” and not washing his hands. Now, I’m a resourceful woman and after the threat of brutal bodily mutation went awry, I considered my only three realistic options remaining to be:
- Handcuffing Fred in the hope that’ll work
- Forcing him to get a vasectomy
- Telling his friends, family, and workplace that he’s a bastard slob who doesn’t wash his hands after “going for a slash”
I decided number three was ideal. Thus, I setup CCTV cameras in our bathrooms at home and over a single weekend recorded 13 separate incidents of Fred going for a number one and then not washing his hands. With this wealth of evidence in my person, I was consequently able to email his employer all video evidence of his behaviour—I also accidentally forwarded a recording of him going number two, too, which I think will have strengthened the case for whatever the hell it is I think I was doing.
Glory be, it worked! He has, as I expected, agreed to start washing his hands post-restroom break. However! Needless to say, by taking my extreme approach (and, subsequently, sending the footage to friends and family), I have ruined our lives.
With humble affectations,
Freda
Hi there, Freda! We must say, we’re impressed by your quite psychotically precise method of resolving this matter.
Whilst not technically legal, we reckon you’ve sorted the situation out for yourself. Congratulations! Just now be prepared for potential sectioning under the Mental Health Act 1983. 👍
