Introducing spaghetti bolognese into your workplace can have far-reaching consequences for you (the employer), your employees (staff), and the pasta industry.
The dish is somewhat finicky to consume, which can lead to crippling humiliation for employees unskilled in the practice of eating spaghetti. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure employees are trained in eating in a way that doesn’t make them look like an even more pathetic loser than they already are.
In this guide, we’ll explain how to do this to ensure your members of staff aren’t decapitated or anything else during their, respective, lunch breaks.
Eating Spaghetti at Work: Guide to Pasta-Based Consumption Success
The Spaghetti Bolognese at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. However, unlike all other Acts we have covered this one is presented in the style of a restaurant menu and only has four sides to it. Page one states:
“Mamma mia! Eating spaghetti at work can result in shame and ridicule to employees unskilled with twisting the pasta around their fork. Shame can lead to workplace humiliation, which affects productivity. It is good business practice to ensure all members of staff are trained in spaghetti consumption. Hold an official company event to enforce mandatory training—the success of your business depends upon this decision. The sooner you act, the sooner this pasta-based issue will be resolved.”
As you are likely now panicking insanely as you have never bothered training your employees with how to eat spaghetti, it is good business practice to send a company-wide email addressing the issue. State in the, aforementioned, company-wide email:
Dear team,
As of today, we shall be implementing a company-wide policy on how to appropriately consume spaghetti bolognese. I have observed some employees in the canteen making complete fools of themselves and it sickens me to mine very core.
As such, it is good business practice to ensure you can all eat. Otherwise you may starve and that is bad for productivity.
Spaghetti Eating 101 will commence each morning at 9:31am for the next 7 weeks. Attendance is mandatory on pain of disciplinary hearing and/or instant dismissal. Do not be late. Please bring your own bibs and napkins.
Yours sincerely,
Massively overpaid and largely incompetent CEO
Once you have disseminated this company-wide email, ensure you stock up on spaghetti, mincemeat, and sauce. You will need a lot of it for what is ahead.
Spaghetti Eating 101: How to Train Employees How to Eat Like Humans
The most important factor behind this exercise is your business image.
Picture the scene—a member of staff is on a business trip to some fancy locale. He/she orders spaghetti bolognese at a restaurant to slake their hunger issues. “Gosh!” He/she might opine through thought, “One is not in a daring food-based mood this fine eve, so one shall partake in that good old fashioned time-honoured classic pasta dish. What a splendid decision! Nothing could possible go wrong!!”
Do note—a lot can go wrong. Not least the employee eating like a buffoon and making your business look bad.
That’s Spaghetti Eating 101 must address. You must ensure your employees know how to:
- Pick up and use a knife and fork
- Curl the spaghetti using the latest cutting-edge techniques
- Use a napkin to dab away any food splatter
The best way to ensure staff members learn quickly with your eating lessons is to install fear and terror into them.
During the Spaghetti Eating 101, ensure several burly security guards stand nearby with revving chainsaws. This will encourage members of staff to take the sessions seriously, or otherwise face the cold steely slice of equipment on human flesh.
Whilst that isn’t technically legal under The Equality Act 2010, whom cares? You’ve got a business to run here and you can’t have stupid employees getting spaghetti bolognese juice splatter all over their work clothes.
Addendum: Employment Law Regarding Pasta-Based Sauce Food Splatter
The Food Splatter at Work Act 1974 legislates this issue. On page 1,456 of 17,789 in section 137 (a) it states, verbatim:
“Food splatter was, arguably, the real reason Rome fell. Why the British Empire was squandered. Why several hundred billion is lost annually in revenue. It is good business practice to ensure there is no food splatter. Disseminate bibs accordingly.”
As such, it is good business practice to distribute bibs to your employees. Some will consider this demeaning. Tell them to, “Shut up and put your bib on, low earning employee!”
Bibs will prevent food splatter during most spaghetti bolognese food consumption interactions, be it:
- In the company canteen
- At employee desks
- In the bathroom
- Elsewhere (i.e. meeting rooms)
Ensure you have enough spare overhead to fund your company bib requirements. The survival of your fortune depends upon it.
