Showers are important as they ensure human males don’t stinky poops and the like. But thanks to the joys of toxic masculinity, there’s a new movement with a belief cold showers prove one’s machoness.

Irrespective of the rhyme and reason behind this belief, some guys go into it with all the enthusiasm and verve of a steroid loving, iron pumping beefcake.

Such as today’s human male, whom believes he can become more of a man by threatening himself with hypothermia earn morn.

Cold Showers as the Path to Masculine Enlightenment and Frostbite

All right? I’m Bob.

I’m 48 and my wife thinks I’m having a mid-life crisis but what does she know? Eh? I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE. Never has my beer belly felt so shrunk down. Never have I screamed so much each morning. Never have I seen my thumbs and fingers turn black in sheer hypermasculine alpha male rigidity. Yes, I know it’s frostbite, but the babes love a scar, right? It’s manly!

The wife saw my frostbitten fingers this morning (I’ve got my son to type this for me by the way, my hands are in bandages and I’m dictating to him) and she was hysterical. What a silly filly! Daft woman.

“Sally!” I roared, “This is what it is, to be a man!”

Well, anyway, she called an ambulance and I decided to have a few beers. When the ambulance crew turned up I’d become quite drunk and angry, so they had to restrain me, had my stomach pumped, and then I was whisked off to hospital. I flirted outrageously with all the female nurses on the way, got a warning from the hospital to stop otherwise it’d constitute sexual harassment, and so I began chanting football anthems instead.

Check out all this MASCULINE ENERGY. All of this is thanks to cold showers.

I’m sold for life. You haven’t lifted, and you cannot count yourself a man, unless you have a cold shower! My life has been a lie up until this point. I was a pansy. I took the feminist comforting grip of a warm shower, soap, and shampoo and near enough RUINED my manliness by taking this EASY route.

Now my fingers are going to need amputating. It’s all thanks to cold showers! This generation of weakling men can learn a thing or two from me and I say it thus:

1. Take cold showers
2. Have your fingers amputated
3. Be a real man

Three simple steps to get your life back on track. Your welcome.

Bob

Hi there, Bob. This is an interesting idea, but may we interject upon your initial concept and add another element? One just as alpha male and irrelevant. Let it be known thus—scalding hot showers.

This is the opposite of a cold shower.

Indeed, our supposition (big word there) is that you embrace the joys of roaring in agony as you suffer third-degree burns during your morning ablutions. We pontificate that this is EVEN MORE MANLY than a cold shower. So manly, in fact, it’ll render you in an intensive care ward on life support.

That makes your pathetic finger amputations seem a bit puny and insignificant now, eh?

I myself, Mr. Wapojif (senior agony aunt for this publication), tried a maximum heat shower this morning and had the office apprentice chuck buckets of recently boiled water over me as I did so. My bellows could be heard from quite the distance and I’m now feeling the most manly I have ever done so in my entire life.

From my hospital bed in an intensive ward unit, about to be placed into a medically induced coma, I dictate this to the office apprentice to type out.

Check out this masculine energy. I can’t even walk! I’m going to be out of it for some time! It truly doesn’t get anymore alpha male than induced unconsciousness. Embrace the movement, Bob! Don’t be such a wuss.