You’ve tried the rest, now try the best! Forget Mario’s, his pizza is shite and infested with radioactive maggots! Instead, mosey on down to Eyjafjallajökull’s! We’re so professional, we forgot to add the possessive apostrophe into our marketing materials!!
But we do know how to bake the living crap bags out of a pizza! That’s right!
That’s because we bake ALL of our pizzas in Iceland’s Eyjafjallajökull volcano! With an ever-revolving door of chefs and delivery drivers, our pizza takeaway has that extra explosive pizzazz you’re lacking in your life.
Volcano Baked Pizzas: When Every Delivery is a Life-or-Death Scenario
Eyjafjallajökulls is located in Bolton of Greater Lancashire, 1,016 miles off from the ice cap volcano Eyjafjallajökull. Despite the distance, it’s out customer commitment to bake EVERY. SINGLE. PIZZA. In the volcano.
That means we have a 24/7 fleet of helicopters manned by skilled pilot/delivery drivers ready to take our pre-prepared pizzas, fly them over to the volcano, and bake them in it.
Yes, this costs us a goddamn fortune. But can any other pizza takeaway claim to have volcano baked pizza? No! And that’s, with 100% certainty, what we’re sure Boltoners want from their fast food! We know, because we asked a drunk guy we met in the street. In between bigot slurs and aggressive outburst, he stated out business idea was “shit but good, mate”.
Volcano Baked Pizza Menu
You name the pizza type, we’ve bloody well got it, mate! Have a look at these:
- Tuna
- Tuna and cheese
- Tuna and cheese and sweetcorn and gravy
- Gravy and cheese
- Cheese and gravy and bacon and ice cream
- Ham and pineapple and watermelon
- Watermelon and anchovy and beef
- Haggis
- Haggis and cheese and anchovy
- Salt and Pernod with tuna
These delicious toppings are HANDMADE at our Bolton store by our expert team. They’re then handed to our pilots, who take off within minutes to begin the long, arduous flight to Eyjafjallajökull.
Delivery Times From Eyjafjallajökull to Bolton
Many of our pathetic, panic-stricken customers are often concerned about the delivery delays. Rest assured, out pilots are skilled in taking the fastest route! This isn’t a circumnavigation of the globe we’re on about, dickheads, it’s just straight to the volcano and back again with no arsing around.
The trip is over 1,500 miles (there and back) and includes a long haul across the open ocean. It usually takes around 12 hours for delivery, so please book well in advance.
Our pilots make multiple refuelling stops, although as covering such a large open body of water occurs the refuelling must take place in mid-air and mid-flight. This is extremely dangerous and so far 13 helicopters have been lost and many lives slain.
Worse still, it led to 1/5 reviews on Yelp! for late pizza delivery. Eyjafjallajökulls endeavours to deliver on our promise and we’re in the process of sourcing a fleet of private jets to assist with the delivery process.
ORDER NOW! You get a COMPLETELY FREE can of Coke.
Customer Reviews of Volcano Baked Pizza
“Ordered a haggis and cheese and anchovy pizza while drunk at 11pm on Friday night and it arrived stone cold and burned with molten lava debris on Sunday at 5am. This cost me £10. Can’t say I’m chuffed about this and the molten lava debris gave me bad indigestion. Thumbs down.” Jeff from Bolton
“what in the name of bloody hell i ordered this on wednesday and it arrive on saturday this is not a good service fyi i am and is not happy. wrang the shop to give them grieve and they said 3 pilots had blown up trying to get out to the ejitskulls hill in iceland and i said theres a bloody iceland supermarket just up the bleedin road from me no need to get people killed for me bloody pizza this wouldnt have happened in the good old days.” Fred from Bolton
“Tenner for a gravy and cheese pizza and a can of Diet Coke. It took 15 hours to arrive and the guy who delivered it was pretty much red raw with third-degree burns. He explained what he’d been doing and then collapsed in a heap. Called an ambulance and ate the pizza while waiting for it to turn up. I believe he’s in a medically induced coma now. Pizza was quite nice.” Jane from Bolton
“Ordered a pizza. 1 week later it turned up. Rang in to complain and they said there’d be a free one ‘on the house’ to make up for it. That one took 2 weeks to turn up and the delivery driver crash landed the helicopter into my back garden and blew up my husband’s shed! Rang in to complain and they said they’d give me another free pizza ‘on the house’ and I told them to stuff that up their ass. Went to Iceland and got a readymade pizza there and a bottle of Lambrini. It were good.” Barbara from Bolton
