Things are getting desperate here at Professional Moron, so we’re renting out column inches to local estate agents to run ads for their latest properties. If you’re in need of a new flat, house, bedsit, cave, or ditch, keep referring back here for the hottest properties on the market!

Have you ALWAYS wanted to live out in the open air? Does the mere sight of a roof fill you with uncontrollable rage? Do you like having wild animals crawling over you during sleep?

Then book in for a viewing of this superb ditch, located just outside Bolton of Greater Manchester. Close to all local amenities and only a 20-minute train trip to Manchester city centre (depending on whether the train breaks down or not, which it almost certainly will), this ditch will be the envy of all your friends and enemies!

STUNNING Subterranean Linear Ditch-Based Studio in Verge

• £1,001 p/m
• NO pets
• ONLY one festering corpse in evidence
• Open air property
• FREE rainwater
• FREE daily mud bath

Several tenants have already furiously rounded on us for posting this ditch as a place to live. What those cretinous losers don’t understand is this is 2026 chic.

This ceiling-free concept offers 360-degree celestial views and unhindered natural light 24/7.

It is of exquisite beauty. Should it rain? Put up an umbrella. If it snows? Put on a hazmat suit. If you’re besieged by a stampeding herd of sheep? Merely run for your life. What’s more, you’ll be bombarded by trash thrown from moving vehicles. Consider these as daily deliveries of upcycled mixed-media art installations, putting you at the very forefront of hipster bohemian lifestyle 2026 101.

Also, there’s 24-6 STEP-FREE access to the property. Absolutely perfect should you be one lazy SOB.

Key Selling Point: Added Water Features

When you live in a ditch, water comes at you from every angle. The joys of this will be instantly apparent, as will the trench foot, allowing you to appreciate the great outdoors from within your own home.

Free showers are available whenever it rains. Or you can wallow in a relaxing ditch-based bath whenever your ditch pools with excess water! Simply add bubble bath for the time of your life.

Please note, due to the excess of water you must not have any electronic or various other lifestyle devices. This includes televisions, devices, internet access etc.

Health & Safety Disclaimer Regarding Rotting Corpse in Ditch

At Death and Doormats Estate Agents Ltd., our customers health & safety are at the forefront of everything we do. As such, we must note the rotting corpse (rotting for circa three months) in evidence in one area of the ditch. Please note, it is the resident’s duty to clear rats and maggots out of the ditch and the resident must also aim to ignore the cadaver as best as possible. It is unknown why it is there, the police have not been notified, and it is within your best interests to NEVER notify the authorities… you have been warned, tenant!