If your business has been affected by an astronomical body so compact nothing (not even cheese) can escape, then you need Black Hole Consultancy Enterprises Ltd.
We believe an infinite density singularity shouldn’t disrupt your Q1 workflow needs, which is why we leverage best-in-class quantum vacuums and gravity-dampening paradigms to shift your business away from black holes and back into profitability. It’s not rocket science, it’s just common sense.
Black Hole Removals: Turning Event Horizons Into PROFIT
Our expert team of big hairy removal specialists have read the physics page on Wikipedia and know exactly what they’re doing. We’re experts, we are, and know this isn’t about traditional removals.
No, we manage the narrative around black holes. Choose your tier below and call us today for a quote (removals starts from as little as £335 billion per removal):
- Cheap option: COMPLETELY FREE video call to assess your situation, supported by a free pamphlet about black holes, and a complimentary copy of Red Dwarf series 1 on DVD.
- Slightly more expensive option: We send down (COMPLETELY FREE) one of our apprentices who’ll use a laser pointer to identify the black hole and put up a warning sign outside your property.
- Expensive option: One of our EXPERT staff members, fully literate and well versed with Wikipedia and probably genius, will visit your site and install a mahogany frame around the black hole’s accretion disk. Our staff member EXPERT will also throw out bin bags COMPLETELY FREE.
Across all of our service levels, we offer a proprietary methodology to address your singularity issue:
- Acknowledging the existence of the black hole
- Acknowledging the black hole is very scary
- Obfuscate the situation by quoting from the physics Wikipedia article
- Payment upfront (via cheque)
Please note, Black Hole Consultancy Enterprises Ltd. is not responsible for any loss of timeline continuity during our business related escapades. By hiring us, you acknowledge that light cannot escape, neither can you, and our money back guarantee is bogus (except in a parallel universe you’re not living in).
CALL US TODAY! COMPLETELY FREE on: 0111 1111 1111 1111 01010 01 12 1.
Customer Testimonials: From Black Holes to Tax Loopholes
“I picked the cheap option to get rid of the black hole outside my barbers and they sent me a copy of Red Dwarf on DVD and I don’t even have a DVD player FFS…….not impressed.” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester
“Chose option 2 and a spotty apprentice turned up, agreed that it was a black hole next to my business premises, and then put up a warning sign. It’s a really nice warning sign, I’ll admit, but it does little to remove the black hole. So not so much black hole ‘removal’ and more an identification process. Still, I’m THRILLED with that sign it’s a really nice colour. Cheers!” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester
“The black hole has been hanging out outside me farm for 50 year and finally I snapped last week and called Black Hole Removal Services Ltd. Who does it think it is, eh? Bloody black holes! 50 year. Eeeee. Well anyway I forked out for the Expensive Option and a bunch of guys in hazmat suits turned up reading from the physics page on Wikipedia. Then they took me bins out, even though the bin bag were only half full of manure and ciggy butts. That’s a waste of bin bags that is. And the black hole is still there. They didn’t ‘remove’ it at all and this has cost me £335 billion! So I went on the Wikipedia page for physics meself and got confused, angry, and so ran into the black hole and disa……” Unknown farmer in the point of no return
