Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. is positively ECSTATIC to reveal this superb bench to let. It is a very nice bench.
This rare opportunity has come about due to the owner of the bench (a tramp) being jailed for indecent exposure. Viewings now available—first come, first served. Wearing a hat, scarf, and gloves recommended.
Biophilic Bench Living: The Sky is the Limit!
This newly refurbished bench is available to rent NOW at competitive rates, all mod cons, and all sorts of fancy pants stuff available on the side:
- £4,500 p/m
- NO PETS!
- BILLS NOT INCLUDED!!
- UMBRELLA NOT INCLUDED!!!
- Airy open concept
- Floor-to-infinity windows
- Infinite ceiling height
- Communal en-suite (with the general public)
- Biophilic design surronded by organic matter, discarded McDonald’s foo, and complimentary wildlife (including rats, pigeons, and some geese)
- Bond with nature as never before
- Ideal for the urban commuter
- Dynamic lighting 24/7 due to intermittent weather installation and sprawling traffic intensity
- Charming location with a Starbucks opposite the bench
- Nearest bus top 7ft away
- Nearest train stop a three-mile walk
Never feel lonely again! With this open-plan bench to rent you’ll almost always be within a few feet of the general public and the busy road next to the bench.
This delightful installation of free white noise will help you swoon off to sleep each night, all while cars, trucks, double decker buses, and scooters speed by your humble abode.
With room for at least… what? Three or four cushions! With all that space, you’ll be so goddamn comfortable there’s almost zero chance you’ll end up with chronic back pain, piles, or chronic depression from living on a bench for £4.5k a month (NO PETS).
The Bench: About Your New Home
The Bench is situated just off a seedy main road in Bolton of Greater Manchester. The home offers firm orthopaedic support through its hard wooden slats, which are capable of causing pins and needles within five minutes and numbness within nine.
There is resilient concrete flooring across the property that is ideal for exercise as you won’t be annoying any downstairs neighbours. This is especially true of Bolton’s bustling social hub nightlife, with many clubs and old man pubs situated within a 20-minute drunken stumble, fall, and collapse. If you want to offload about Millennials, immigrants, and The Woke Mob, this is the ideal district for your pathetic whinnying.
You’ll also find a delightful duel-aspect view nearby, with a local park in the park situated near some exemplary public lavatories (which you’ll need to acquaint yourself with). The Bench also comes equipped with modern art deco, by which we mean much long-discarded bubble gum stuck to the undersides of the slats. During sleepless nights on the bench, feel free to pick at those blobs, chew on them, or even name them:
- Bob
- Jeff
- Sandara
- Clive
- John etc.
Last but not least, careful not to accidentally cut yourself on the period ironwork features. These are heavily rusted, as per the minimalist chic of The Bench’s interior design, and will likely cause Tetanus.
