Some human males vape heavily as they consider it to be good for them and/or something. But the reality is, a vaping boyfriend is a vapid boyfriend. A menace to society.
Today’s human female needs help controlling her boyfriend’s vacant vaping, with plumes of smoke surging around ready to asphyxiate those around him. PROFESSIONAL MORON TO THE RESCUE! 🦹♂️
When a Man Vapes So Much It Threatens City Air Pollution Targets
Dear agony aunt,
My boyfriend Claude is a great man, a French man, and his English is better than most tabloid readers. However, he was one habit that makes me want to repeatedly punch him in the face… VAPING.
He vapes day and night. It’s really annoying because he does it indoors or outdoors, huge plumes of smoke wafting around everywhere, which has angered some UK citizens because the stuff goes everywhere in a big whoosh like he’s a bloody magician doing a magic trick! Yeah, too, it really, really pisses some people off.
Last week we left the train station and he was vaping away, he took a big drag and exhaled and this plume of mints & menthols flavour swamped around this heavily tattooed, sunburned guy wearing an England football shirt. Well, turns out that guy DETESTS mints & menthols. It’s his LEAST FAVOURITE brand of “baccy” (his words for tobacco) and he was determined to punch Claude’s lights out because of the injustice of it all. He didn’t punch Claude’s lights out because Claude ran off in a panic and the big fella was one of those big guys who’s big in the sense he can’t move so fast, but is threatening all the same.
The problem is, this keeps happening. And some of the guys Claude pisses off are able to move at speed. It happened this weekend and Claude had his nose broken because, when running away from another bloke, he ran into a lamppost.
We went to hospital to get him fixed up. Now when he vapes his nose makes this high-pitched squeaking noise, so Claude is even more annoying and it’s really pissing me off!
What can I do!? It’s not going to be long until someone MURDERS him dead because of how annoying his smoke exhalation habits are. And I’m not joking, I might be the one who does him in! And that means this agony aunt column will be used against me in a court of law! And I don’t want to go to prison for life!
Yours,
Cindy
Hi there, Cindy! Gosh, like Cyndi Lauper?! Girls just DON’T want to have fun, eh!?
Well, anyway, there’s a very simple solution to this dilemma. Secretly swap his mint & menthols vape capsules for something a tad more disgusting. For example, one of these flavours:
- Wet dog
- Damp basement
- Tax audit paper mould stench
- Microwaved fish
- Man with BO on a hot summer day
Those putrid reeks don’t actually exist on the vaping market at the moment, so you’ll have to be ingenious and get the scents yourself. For example, for “man with BO on a hot summer day” you’ll need to scrape some of the BO off from one of his putrid armpits. Be warned, guys like that don’t react well to such things, so be prepared to kick him in the testicles and do a runner.
But once Claude has whiffed one of those bad boys, he’ll never go near a vape again (probably) and will take up a hobby such as hardcore drug addiction. That’s much more salubrious for all concerned. All the best, Lauper!
