The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.
But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.
Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce
“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”
The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.
He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.
By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.
He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:
“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”
Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.
“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”
The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.
He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.
Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues
The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.
The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.
To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:
“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”
Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.
