Some human females like to have as many children as humanly possible so as to save the human race from extinction. They are correct to do so, for there are only only eight billion people on the planet (as of 2026). A terrifyingly low number.

As such, today’s human female (whom has 17 children) wishes to make it 18 children. She’s asking if this is a good idea, or if the other 17 is already enough. Let us explore the topic with much insight.

When is Too Many Children Too Many? (or is it never too many?!)

Dear agony aunt,

I love children and I have 17 of them from 12 different marriages. I work as a dinner lady at the local primary school and fund our family lifestyle through my husband’s black market arms dealing career. But last night while I stared at the broiling mass of 17 kiddie winkles shrieking, pooing, puking, and throwing stuff at my face, I said aloud to myself:

“I am not yet complete as a person. I can only count myself as a true, just, and pure human female when I choose to birth an 18th child. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, LET IT BE SO!!!”

I shrieked that final bit as loud as I could and pledged to have a new baby within 9 weeks. Then I remembered it takes 9 months so changed that to 9 months.

But guess what?

My no good prick of a HUSBAND thinks 17 kids is “more than enough”!!!!!!

I actually slapped him when he said that! How dare he impose his sense of male entitlement on me, he only has three children from this existing marriage and I’m quite happy to divorce him for a new husband so that I can ensure my journey as a human female comes full circles.

So, I shall go ahead and have an 18th child. The 17 others are just fine, although I forget their names most of the time, plus there’s a metric tonne of nappies dumped out back from years ago because it gets a bit difficult managing all that stuff, you know? I don’t have a maid, after all. What do you think the logistical developments will be for introducing a further child to my existing squadron? Not much more bother, I should expect!

Yours,

Belinda

Hello there, Belinda. We’re perfectly positioned to respond to you for agony aunting, for we have no children at all and, therefore, are experts on all things kid related. And our suggestion to you is multifold:

1. Create your own child (like in that Frankenstein book)

Okay, so our advice wasn’t multifold. But we do suggest you head into your basement, setup a load of fancy medical equipment, and craft (what we dub as) the Ultimate Child. The Ultimate Child will possess:

• Zero personality flaws
• Zero physical flaws
• The patience of 135,000 Mahatma Gandhis
• Extreme wealth upon birth
• Eternal life
• Eternal youth
• Excellent cooking skills
• Absolutely no ingrowing toenails and/or nose hair and/or hairy back

By creating this monster, you’ll be able to present it to your husband as proof you were, indeed, correct to pursue an 18th child. Your other children will also be terrified shitless of this perfect specimen and resent it enormously, which may (or may not) provide you with some sort of upper hand during arguments with your kids. All the best with that!