It’s been a while since Professional Moron invented a new recipe. But here we are. Ready to rock the market with what must, surely, be deemed as 2025’s most EXCITING and THRILLING and MARGINALLY OFFENSIVE range of teabags.
PG Tips is a popular range of teabags here in the UK. However, we’re SICK of this softy, woke approach to tea-based beverages! Enough of this socialist nonsense!
As such, we’ve created 15 Certificate Tips. That ramps up the gore, swearing, and violence a tad. This way, you can enjoy a nice (😇) cup of tea with only the most minor bloodcurdling death, destruction, and unmitigated horror.
Glug Down 15 Certificate Tips Without Complaint, You Snowflakes
As defined by the BBFC (Beverages Beveraging Food Consultancy), this range of teabags MUST NOT be consumed by anyone under the age of 15 (on pain of death).
This is because consumers must be aware 15 Certificate Tips threatens beverage-based content with:
- Dangerous behaviour
- Drugs
- Swearing
- Nudity
- Threat and horror
- Violence
- Mild peril
- Hot water that scolds your tongue a bit
This means the tea is pretty offensive, but not as super naughty as with a range such as 18 Certificate Tips. As we really don’t think British society is ready for something as diabolical as that.
There’d be riots. We’re not looking for riots with this product. Just mild-mannered outrage expressed online.
You can buy the product from all of the UK’s very worst supermarkets as of today. Add it to your shopping list! It’ll be the box on the tea aisle flipping you the middle finger.
How We Make Our Teabags so Obnoxious
The 15 Certificate Tips range is grown to be belligerent and annoying. As the tea leaves grow, we read them news stories from the UK’s very worst tabloids and get them huffing and puffing about this and that.
That and extensive use of pesticides.
Literally, we douse the bloody things in as many pesticides as we can get our hands on. We just love the things! Behold the list:
- 2,4-Dichlorophenoxyacetic Acid (2,4-D)
- Aldrin
- Dieldrin
- Atrazine
- Chlordane
- Chlordecone
- DDT, DDE, DDD
- Endosulfan
- Endrin
- Glyphosate
- Heptachlor
- Heptachlor Epoxide
- Hexachlorobenzene
- Marmite
- Methoxychlor
- Methylene Chloride
- Pentachlorophenol
- Polychlorinated Biphenyls (PCBs)
- Pyrethrins and Pyrethroids
- Toxaphene
Most of those are likely to make you grow an extra limb over extended periods of consumption, but they’re cheap and help us keep our budget down.
Teaser Trailer for 15 Certificate Tips
To go along with the launch of our product, we’ve put together a teaser trailer voiced by an extremely gruff voiced bloke from Bolton.
Sadly, as we went to press the trailer has been banned due to the gruff voiced bloke’s various inabilities to:
- Make any sense
- Stop using volatile obscenities
It appears the trailer has been banned as it is beyond even an 18 certificate film, which is not a good look for a 15 certificate teabag. We’ve had to hit the drawing board and will launch our trailer once the advertising standards agency is not threatening to sue us.
In the meantime, you can enjoy our tea in its various flavours:
- Tea
That’s it. Exactly the same as every other tea on the market, except it’ll occasionally call you a tosser.
15 Certificate Tips: The Director’s Cut
Please note, we’ll be looking to release a Director’s Cut of our teabags in 2035. This will include deleted pesticides, never before seen illegal practices (we flick bogeys into the tea mix FYI), and interviews with the Professional Moron team.
Here’s a quote from our esteemed editor and business genius Mr. Wapojif:
“I drink so much tea my legs have swollen and I have to use the toilet every 35 seconds.”
It’s true, we’re all out of bog roll because of our supreme overlord. Oh eh.
