WE ARE THE SANDWICH PROTECTION SPECIAL FORCES (SPSF)! IT IS OUR SWORN DUTY TO PROTECT YOUR SANDWICH AND WE WILL SACRIFICE OUR VERY LIVES TO ENSURE YOU CAN HAVE A HEARTY, TASTY LUNCH THAT YOU TRULY DESERVE!

🥪 YOUR SANDWICH IS SAFE WITH US 🥪

“We can best help you to prevent war, not by repeating your words and following your methods, but by finding new words and defending sandwiches.” Virginia Woolf

I am Admiral Captain General Clive Johnson and I have 20 years’ experience in the army. I’ve fired many bazooka shells. I saw one guy stub his toe. I even once punched a man… IN THE FACE! By accident, but it was still a big old punch to the chops.

What those experiences taught me is this—sandwiches must be protected.

There’s nothing worse than some bastard communist having off with a perfectly good sandwich, whether at work or shoplifting from a supermarket or local convenience store. Those poor defenceless sandwiches… it makes me weep. ME! Weeping. Me! A man who once saw another guy stub his toe… and I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!

Well, THIS MADNESS ENDS NOOOOOWWWWW!!!!

With my squad of elite sandwich protectors, you can hire us and be safe and sound in the knowledge no bastard will have off with your lunch. HIRE US TODAY! WE’RE EXPENSIVE BUT BLOODY GOOD AT WHAT WE DO!

Case Study: Jeff From Accounts Has His Egg & Cress Sandwich STOLEN

Picture the scene. Jeff arrives at work in some fancy newbuild office in the heart of Bolton, Greater Manchester. Jeff has a lovely new EGG AND CRESS SANDWICH he puts in the fridge. It is 9:01am. He has three hours until ETA of foodstuff insertion into his stupid face.

Unbeknownst to Jeff, his world is about to be turned upside down.

At 12:03pm he arrives at the office canteen fridge, opens the fridge door, and awaits the sight of his sandwich BUT OMG THE EGG AND CRESS SANDWICH IS GONE HOLY SHIT 999 CALL AN AMBULANCE AND NATIONAL GUARD!!!

Jeff ends up at hospital in intensive care, placed into a medically induced coma, from which he emerges decades later when society no longer even has sandwiches anymore. His life is ruined.

Jeff should have hired The Sandwich Protection Special Forces!

Had he done that, at the princely sum of £500 an hour, a crack squad of bazooka-wielding badasses would’ve kept his sandwich safe and sound. Instead, he’s in a medically induced coma. What a loser!

How We Protect Your Sandwich

Headed by the often mentally unstable Admiral Captain General Clive Johnson, The Sandwich Proctection Special Forces rely on brute force to get the job done. We have:

• Anger management issues
• Undiagnosed mental disorders
• Many, many bazookas
• A sense of entitled elitism
• A love of protecting sandwiches

Hire us and from the moment you send us your money, your sandwich is safe! You won’t even know we’re there a lot of the time, as we’ll be dangling from trees, hidden in bushes, up in the ventilation chutes, all while tracking the activities of your sandwich in real-time.

No bastard will swipe that with us around! And if they do, we’ll BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS*!

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*Please note, in the event your sandwich stealer AND sandwich are blown to smithereens during the protection of the, aforementioned, sandwich, The Sandwich Protection Special Forces cannot be held legally responsible for the loss of your foodstuff. Our special agents are also not legally required to provide you with a replacement.