Some human males find it difficult to cook for themselves, which leads to abominations such as the legendary Pot Noodle sandwich.

It’s a mixture of resourceful stupidity and stupidity, along with incompetence and laziness, that leads a man to desperate measures of cooking illiteracy. As with today’s human male, whom is eating his dogs food to avoid having to cook anything. Woof.

When a Man Loves His Dog’s Food

Hiya.

So my boyfriend Ollie is a nice enough guy. He’s 19 and has one of those so, so, so, so cool perm haircuts and that’s what drew me to him at first, yeah, that perm haircut cos he’s so cool. I thought like yeah he’s the man of my dreams.

What I didn’t reckon in for like is his eating habits. He doesn’t like to cook and his used to his “mummy” (as he calls her) cooking everything for him. But she can’t always be there for him so if she misses a meal he gets a bit desperate and starts eating dog food. The dog, Johnny, doesn’t seem to mind this, but I do. I have to kiss this man and it ain’t pretty. No sir. Problem is though he LIKES the dog food… he likes it. “It’s some real hot shit, babe!” he said to me and tried to make me eat some so I slapped him one.

He was eating up to three cans a day.

It’s really making him act weird he’s been going around barking like a dog and laughing about that and he’s growing his hairy back out and speak-barking “RUFF RUFF I’M TURNING INTO A DOG RUFF RUFF!” at me to freak me out.

Is he turning into a dog? Will eating that dog food really do that?!

Maybe he’s lying, I figured, so I’ve started calling him Fido instead of his real name Ollie. That’s annoyed him. To get revenge on me he INCREASED the number of dog food tins he eats and it’s now like 7 cans a day of the stuff and his breath stinks so bad! What the hell is wrong with him?

I’ve spoken to his “mummy” (his words, not mine) about it and she doesn’t seem bothered. She said to me, “I’m not that bothered, Mary. Let him be!” My name isn’t Mary, by the way, so I don’t know what she means. Anyway, he gets real bad stomach cramps now and says his innards feel like “glue”. I don’t think this dog food is doing him any good. Even if he isn’t turning into a dog he’s behaving like a prick and I’m fed up of it.

Suggestions?

Lucy

Hi there, Mary. Thank you for your email. We’re sorry to hear your boyfriend is eating dog food, but it is what it is and nothing can be done to save him.

As such, we recommend you start buying him the top quality Professional Moron brand of dog food we’re launching to market in Q1 2026. It’s called Woofood and it’s great! We’ve been eating it and everything and can highly recommend it!

Woofood: The Food for Dogs But Not Humans (In a Non-Discriminatory Way)

Woofood is the ONLY dog food on the market consisting of 100% dead rat. The rats are minced at our Manchester-based office, pulverised, boiled, broiled, minced, deep fat fried, and garnished with salt.

Dogs love Woofood because, let us face it, they’ll eat bloody anything!

Once this product hits UK supermarkets and black market dealerships next year, boyfriends the country over will never have to bother cooking ever again! £20 a tin.