You can always tell the level of deranged psychosis in a human male by what he does with the remote control. Some will be generous and open with it amongst family and friends.

Others, the truly evil ones, will hog it.

That means if they want to watch a marathon run spree of Hollyoaks, one of the worst shows of all time, then there’s nothing you can do about it. Solution? Well, asides from the obvious divorce and/or hobbling him with a sledgehammer, there are other routes to take.

The Horrors of a Husband “WHOM” Hogs the Remote

Dear agony aunt,

My husband is one of those men whom [Editor: The agony aunt patient used “whom”, this was not an inclusion by our team as we are violently against the use of “whom” in all instances] hogs the remote control at night. This has bothered me for some time but last night, after one glass too many of white wine, I finally LASHED OUT by accidentally rendering him unconscious with my fist.

Needless to say, once he regained consciousness he was most apoplectic about my violent outburst and has threatened to divorce me! I reminded him that I’m a prized wife on the 10/10 scale of attractiveness, to which he roared that I’m “AT LEAST A 0/10” if I go around punching him in the head!

Disgusted by his slander outburst, I clawed at his face with my recently preened nail bar nails.

This has only added further issues to our tiff, with my husband staying at his mother’s house today while he “thinks things over”. I texted him that, so longer as he stops hogging the remote, all will be well and we can return to happily married life. He later texted me explaining he’d been to hospital to discover he has (from my physical assault of him) got:

• Mild concussion
• Mild whiplash
• A fractured vertebrae
• Scurvy

I called him a “precious snowflake” and also pointed out a punch to the face can’t cause someone to develop scurvy. He accepted the latter point, but was most objectionable regarding being called a snowflake. So, I called him up and we had a volatile screaming match and I could hear his mother chipping in in the background that she “always knew [I] was a piece of work”.

Well, maybe I did overreact a bit, but I defy any woman who has experienced remote control hogging for a year or more to NOT want to punch their dickhead of a husband!

I rest my case. What do you think?

Thanks, Ella

Hi there, Ella! The solution here isn’t hedgehogs. 🦔

We fail to see how remote controls and hogs go hand-in-hand. You seem to be quite confused; delirious, even. You mentioned “one too many” glasses of wine… are you an alcoholic in denial, Ella? Violently assaulting your husband would suggest so, we’re afraid.

It seems you’re hallucinating hedgehogs and they aren’t really there, Ella, so instead you need to embrace reality.

And that reality is… VOICE CONTROL on your TV.

That way, you can do away with your dusty old-fashioned remote and you and your hubby can have a furious raging bellowing match at the TV over Love Island, The Terminator re-runs, and Alien Earth (even though the latter is crap). Best of luck with that one!