Agony Aunt: “My husband WHISTLES too much!!!” 😮‍💨

Husband whistles too much it's annoying

It’s common for human males to want to whistle, as it is for human males to gob in the street. It’s a sign of geezer independence and man bloke excellence, one whistle at a time.

But for human females (wives) it can a colossal annoyance. So frustrating, in fact, today’s lady sent in a voice message of her screaming abuse about her husband. We’ve kindly transcribed that message into coherent English for our readers to study and learn from.

Man Blokes: Whistle While You Flirt

Dear agony aunt,

I am Mary. I have a husband aged 50. There are many husbands like him, but this one is mine. He’s okay looking, I was more taken in by his love of drunken football riots, reading the tabloids and telling me I belong “in the kitchen”. I don’t know why but I found that really romantic and so threw myself into this 20 year long marriage with my dreamboat.

Sadly, in recent years my dream has TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE! A HIGH-PITCHED HELL! A WHISTLING WORLD OF HORROR.

He whistles. HE WHISTLES ALL THE TIME! IT’S DRIVING ME MAD!

He loves whistling SO MUCH he deliberately got a job as a traffic warden to blow his whistle at road users, PLUS at the weekends he’s an amateur football referee simply for the reason he gets to use a whistle. This is madness!

10 years of this I’ve had to put up with and I feel like I’ve finally lost my marbles. In recent months I’ve been drunk, angry, upset and seeking revenge. So I bought a got foghorn and have started blasting that at random intervals during the day. Locals now call me Foghorn Mary and it was MY HUSBAND who gave me the nickname. That has made me hate that man even more. I’ve told him that. “I HATE YOU EVEN MORE!” with the foghorn, in ASDA, next to the baked beans section. My husband was dead embarrassed. He started whistling to try and overcome his embarrassment. “STOP BLEEDIN’ WHISTLIN’, MAN!” I foghorned at him.

Anyway, he’s said that unless the foghorn goes and he can return to his “respectable” way of life before the foghorn, he will divorce me. I foghorned at him, “IF YOU STOP WHISTLIN’ THEN THE FOGHORN GOES!”

Problem is, that final foghorn gave him major hearing loss because I really roared it at him to hammer the point home. Now he can’t hear very much. That means the whole foghorn thing isn’t a problem, but he’s even more pissed off because I’ve partially deafened him in both ears.

Gosh, this is quite the pickle! Please help me unpickle this.

Yours, Mary (with a capital M)

Hi there, mary! What’s important to remember here is that, at the end of the day, what it boils down to, is the end of the day is at the end of the day.

With that in mind, there was every chance your husband would’ve been partially deafened by listening to Justin Bieber’s new album, so he can’t claim you’re responsible (even though you are) as it’s more a capricious moment of bad luck for him than anything else.

However, and undeniably, we feel you should: