Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend keeps spitting in public!”

A man spitting out a lot of water in the countryside
Calm it down, mate!

Many human males like to spit in the street, as it proves they’re manly. Nothing says “red hot macho” quite like letting saliva scooting across the local vicinity.

But some human females (those ruddy feminists, probably!) don’t seem to find the habit endearing. And that’s BECAUSE the WORLD is getting too PC! But, we’ll help today’s damsel in distress anyway.

Controlling Your Boyfriend’s Gobbing

Hiya. Right, so I was wondering if it's normal for a boyfriend to spit in the street every, like, 30 seconds or so? My boyfriend, Charlie, is obsessed with it. 

He's my first boyfriend, so I don't know. I'm 18. Other guys don't spit as much as him, usually mainly when playing football they do it. 

But Charlie and me go to a KFC and we're walking along and he's like, "So, babe, we [*hacking noise—ptooey*] going to get a Whopper in there [*hacking noise—ptooey*], or should we just get loads of chicken and [*hacking noise—ptooey*] like peel the skin off and [*hacking noise—ptooey*] just eat the skin, babe? [*hacking noise—ptooey*]"

And then we leave the KFC (we go to KFC a lot) and he's like, "Babe, that were [*hacking noise—ptooey*] the best [*hacking noise—ptooey*] fuckin' [*hacking noise—ptooey*] KFC I've had in, like, over [*hacking noise—ptooey*] a week!"

I asked him once why he spits so much. And he went, "Babe, gobbing shows you I'm well manly and in control, babe." 

What does he mean by "in control"? Like... he's controlling a car? Because he doesn't steer me or anything, I have full control over the direction I want to head in... unless I have to walk around one of his piles of "gob" so I don't mess my new shoes up. 

Erm... am I being silly? Is he just too macho for me? Should I start spitting as well? Am I the problem? 

It's just watching him spit grosses me the fuck out! I'm so confused... please help! Rach xoxoxo

Hello, Rach. Yes, it’s common for human males to spit (or “gob”) in public. Here’s a brief breakdown of the psychology at play here:

  • The Spitter: Thinks he’s tough and the world should respect him.
  • The Spittees: Are disgusted by the spitter and want (collectively) to punch his lights goddamn out.

Unfortunately, there are no local or international laws banning spitting. Spitters would consider it a grotesque invasion of their rights.

The sad reality of this situation is you must merely put up with this for the rest of your days, hoping for hope’s sake he doesn’t accidentally gob on your shoes at some point. For shame!

Anti-Gobbing Tactics

However, there are tactics you can develop to ensure you don’t have to become too soaked in saliva. And these are as follows:

  • Carry a Perspex barrier with you at all times.
  • Buy your boyfriend a spittoon.
  • Use coronavirus social distancing measures as a reason to stay well away from him.
  • Scream hysterically whenever he spits, thusly inducing tinnitus on the lad and teaching him a lesson.
  • Remove his lips from his face, ensuring he just, sort of, dribbles everywhere.
  • Punch him in the face each time he does spit.
  • Gather all of his gobbing in a bucket to demonstrate, and remonstrate, to him his behaviour is in excess.
  • Contact the the Queen of England and DEMAND she put a stop to this.
  • Signal to aliens that you want them to abduct your boyfriend to end this nonsense.
  • Threaten him with a hammer.
  • Threaten him with a chainsaw.
  • Threaten him with a bazooka.
  • Kick him in the bollocks.
  • Ask, politely, one final time for him to stop.
  • Consider dating someone else.

Just a few ideas there, Rach. You’re 18, after all. The world doesn’t begin and end with his ptooey.

Why not aim higher? Such as for a gross, rich, fat old geezer who’ll buy you loads of clothes? That’s what we’d do!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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